Shadow Work time.
I had a thought earlier.
The thought immediately evoked the emotion “worry.”
It then switched over to “anxiety” and jumped to “panic.”
It moved FAST.
Why…
I recently have wanted to retain my privacy. I don’t know why. Since 2015, I have never felt the need or desire to be private. Lately… I have. My feelings are suddenly… not something I want to share with people. It’s like, “No. I’m not healing anymore. I no longer have mental illness. And now, I am closing the door on my journey. This is mine now.”
It may be the recent rape.
It may be the lack of mental illness.
Why am I suddenly “craving”… Not a craving. More like… my intuition is saying, “No, Anna. No. This is yours. We will not share “this” part of us with others any more. This will be ours.”
But… Journal? Private? Why? What is privacy? What does… This is a new emotion I think. Since my healing came to an end,
Anxiety… Sweaty palms… Want to cry…
Alright… Go through this.
Subconscious says, “Warning!” Okay…
Sad.
Want to cry.
Wait to respond.
Why can’t I remember my own work?
What was the thought? “Where is he?”
Why?
It’s 6:00 PM EST… That was the trigger.
You saw his texts and saw that he didn’t answer. You saw that he hasn’t read them.
Then you saw that he is ignoring you.
You are Unseen.
First… This is not about him.
You transfer your feelings onto him. He is just the subject.
“I feel so invisible. Unseen. Rejected… No… Invisible.”
I feel so, so invisible. Like… It’s a full panic attack.
What’s the source to this trigger?
“Walk it through, Anna.”
When did you feel invisible?
What does Invisible mean for you?
Nameless! Nameless! Nobody! No name. I didn’t exist!
Deeper.
When.
No one saw my pain.
Who didn’t see?
Self-care… Deep breath. No Imagination this time.
No Joanna. No Bergen.
They comforted me.
You can use Gestalt Chair Therapy.
I can…
Who didn’t see your pain?
I was no one. I didn’t exist. No one saw me.
Abandoned.
All the emotions. List them all.
Abandoned. Forgotten. I was forgotten.
I feel afraid.
Afraid of what?
This is Narcissism. This is OLD conditioning.
You have three triggers back to back within a minute of each other.
He didn’t answer.
6:00 PM at night.
Wait to respond.
You are having an anxiety/panic attack.
Motivator emotions: DO! Act! Call! Text! Answer!
Jerry is Panicking trying to get me to DO.
I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want any of this feeling anymore. I want to feel safe and loved and …
Who ignored you?
Everyone
Who ignored you…
Isaac…
Ignored. No answer.
Terry? No.
Lack of Trust.
Charlie.
Jon
Waiting… Who did you wait for.
I had to wait. I had to wait while I was neglected.
I had to wait while I suffered.
Waiting meant torture.
Michael
That room
Friends
Waiting
10 PM
I had to wait… in the room… for him to rape me.
I had to wait
And… I don’t want to remember
…
I feel sick. Like I toxin has surfaced. A 30 year okd toxin ans I feel sick.
7:56 PM. I felt triggeres. I was. 15 years okd. I told my Subconsicous I needed to remember. It was time I remmebered
I followed the memory back and listened to my intuition.
My Subconsixous blocked the memory.
“Xome on, sweethsart. We cna remembwr. Lets handle this. I can handle this.”
I imagined myself hugging my Subconscious. She relexed and let me in.
I followed my ex’a back.
Isaac? No ut was there bwofe him.
Twrry? No. Back
Charlie… Yes… wait… No. ? Charlie? Made worse by him, but now
Jon. (My subconscious skipped one)
I felt the lie.
“let me remember,” I told my subconscious. I can handle this now.
That was an hour ago. I am only now. Just now. 7;59 pm do I remebwr the name
Michael
I went back to the skiped memory. Nothing.
I talked to the subcoancioau.
Let me remebwr. I can remwbwe .
And my subconsixous lwt me have it.
The room. The waiting. The rape at 10. I felt the panic. I felt the memory.
I remebwred the emotions.
I was there again.
“No! I don’t want to remember!!” Not this! No!!
And it came to me.
Being forced to wait for my rape. Listening to them laugh and play while I waited in my horror and hell
And I remembered.
“Waiting” was the trigger.
It/ 8:04z I feel I feel sick/ The hormones in my system.
It was the rape from the other nught. It jarred my memory.
Being in that room again… Locked in a room being raped.
I finally remembered.
…
It is 8:09. I am home in my room again. I went for a walk with my daughter and got comfort food. I can feel the toxins.. They cause nausea. Self care tonight. Tomorrow I will have a lot of work to do. I’ll document it all.
It’s not often I have a fresh PTSD trigger I get to resolve for an audience. My god, I thought all my triggers were cleaned out. I thought my PTSD was gone.
Self-Care. I need water. a SHOWER. Food. TV. Sleep and a good cry.
Jammies and then TV.
Tomorrow, I will blog the event, and recall it. The belief. When it happened, for those six months, I rejected the beleif. I never called those 6 months rape.
I buried the memory. CHanged the belief to reflect what the rapist wanted so I could survive. If I didn’t believe him, I would be sent back to my brother to be beaten who would kill me. Until it got so bad, I knew I could survive the beatings.
I returned to live with my father. I was changed. I escaped. 3 days later, I would meet a pedophiole online. Charlie, who woudl go on to rape me for 5 years and on 9/11.
I was tryign to survive. i WAS 15 years old. I was just trying to live.
I never went back in and re-filed the memory/belief properly… until now. 25 May 2023 at 8:13 PM EST…
28 years that memory and belief sat in my subconscious, filed as asomething esle.
But the triggers “waiting,” being ignored, being invisible, being excluded, sharing a “partner” with friends… all of it meant I would be raped at 10 pM.
It’s out of me now. The memory is filed. the triggers all identified.
Tomorrow I need to do a chakra cleanse, purge the energy from taht memory.
Aligna dn balance my intuition and energy.
And then… tapping, mediation, and havening.
Tongith thouugh. Self care.
8:38 PM…
Shower and Tapping, Mediation and Energy Cleanse complete.
Comfort food and jammies. All my chakra stones.
Hey! Don’t judge me. If this is a placebo then it works and and that is solid medication. Personally. I think it’s Science that has to set aside it’s pompous ego and do the research in Quantum physics to prove this stuff is real. Anti-matter.
Now..
Tomorrow I will unblock my chakras, do a Havening… Tomorrow is a healing day and a self-care.
I invite you to join my on this healing journey while I face my demons and recover and claim myself from this abuser.
I love you all.
Preserve the Energy for we are one.