Present Day
I have information. I’m beyond the Stages of Healing. Two months ago, I experienced the feeling of… I needed to know why. All of my Shadow Work, I dissected each and every event, big and small. I would compare recent events, past events, present, chain reactions, which way all the dominoes would fall based on the order in which they were set up… so I could eventually predict the future with significant accuracy when combined with my intuition.
On marijuana or psychedelics, this process was amplified and significantly sped up.
I had so many feelings. New feelings. That is when it all started. About 3 to 6 months ago… I remember feeling love for the first time. Real love. The kind that healthy people talk about and feel. The kind that does feel like it’s a transaction or an unpayable debt. There were feelings I had only ever heard about, but never felt.
Forgiveness.
Trust. That one…
Love.
Home! I felt home for the first time.
Gratitude!
Sad. JUST sad.
Gifts.
Receiving Gifts.
Love. True love. Juan’s love. Juan is part of this story. He is the reason why The Healing Garden exists. His sacrifice saved me. But that story is for the past. On this entry, I must stay on the present.
… So many emotions. Ones that I’ve been missing all my life and could never feel.
When the emotions surfaced, I was able to deepen my understanding of what emotions are and where they come from and why. I answered a question I had been searching for for more than 20 years: What is emotional pain?
Now, scientists talk about neurons and hormones. Psychologists talk about the catalyst, how “sad” comes from a break up, or the Amygdala. But I read the Subconscious.
I saw the Five Elements of Self.
Ethics + Beliefs + Actions and Behavior + Voice… and how, when these four things combine, they make up our Perspective.
And I realized just how much it hurts when anyone of these five elements are not in alignment.
I cannot begin to explain the pain. And what does an abuser target? Our beliefs and our perspective. Abusers literally destroy the Identity, the Self by altering our Perspective… but before all this I thought on bullies and how bullies attack our Voice, our Names, and our Emotions. I know where Voice comes from. That is our Id. Our Id is our Voice and our Dreams. She’s the one who screams inside our heads. That is the Id. I call mine Angel.
Angel is not an Alter of mine. She was and is my Id. But my DID, allowed me to see Angel and give her a body, a face, a name, and a voice. My dreams and emotions came from her. That’s when I wanted to know WHY and WHERE the emotions come from Angel.
So I dug deeper.
That is when I found The Rorschach Print.
Present Day
It’s shifting again. I can literally feel my Perspectives Shift. The chemicals in my spine are moving. I can feel them. I can feel the rewiring of my nervous system. And I pause and focus on the emotions: Calm. Happy. You are two perspectives. Two people. Two individuals.
I can feel the old programming from the Patriarchy leaving: You are not your partner. You do not have to destroy the Identity to be with Juan. He does not have to destroy his Identity to be with you.
Relationships… and this is live… relationships are reaching the understanding that you can co-exist without absorbing the other. That you are not threatened by their Identity. It is not The Unit vs. The Identity.
This is Stage #4 of relationships that most people don’t make it through. So I’m taking my knowledge of relationships and am purposely using my PTSD trigger, “Juan is not responding,” to smoke marijuana then apply Mantras and Meditations to shift the False Belief. “I am Visible. Just because I cannot see my mother, does not mean she is gone.” People are there even though they are sleeping, absent, away, distant… People are there.
This is so hard.
And there… I can feel Angel crying. And I’m envisioning Imagination (My Mother Goddess Alter), hugging Angel and soothing her. A technique a learned from Nathaniel Brandon. I first learned about Dr. Brandon via “The Passion of Ayn Rand.” Who I learned about in Philosophy. Carl Jung was the other philosopher who led me to Psychology.
Joshua. Why don’t we mandate teaching Philosophy beside Psychology? Therapist MUST be taught how to think. There is a reason why both Nathaniel Brandon and Carl Jung studied both. Because Philosophy was the predecessor to Psychology.
Present Day…
There is the wave of anger… I am officially in The Stages of Grief. I just successfully shifted my perspective. Acceptance just hit, and now the stage of Grief begins.
There are two types of Stages of Grief:
I am so scared we won’t survive this. These are the new feelings. These ones were buried deep. So deep… I was not afraid of the pain of him cheating on me… or ignoring me… I was afraid of the pain of losing him. And that pain was so severe that my subconscious buried it beyond the 4th Level. I often walk through Level #4.
Most people are only away that there is a building.
My Alters convened on Level #1. Most of my Domes were on Level #1.
Level #2 was where the Memory Mind Maze was. There are halls that are so old and dark and lost… that they fell to Level #3.
Level #3 is where Angel lives. That is how I know she is not an Alter, but my Id.
Level #4… that is everything below Angel’s level. I have not yet walked there, but I can look and see shadows in the distance. That is where Imagination was. That is where I, the Core, was kept… I was held closer to Level #5. Nothing is lower than Level #5.
Angel, The Id, she is in charge. She produces emotions and Dreams. Angel is the heart of the Subconscious.
Present Day…
I get sidetracked. I distract myself from the work and the pain by thinking. Thinking has been my safe place since I was 15. Books… they helped me escape. Music helped me escape.
I was telling you how I was feeling the new emotions and I dug deep into them. I pieced together the Rorschach Print Perspective and then… the emotions kept coming. And I felt Home and Love and Gift… And I realized that emotions are two dimensional. Each emotion is double-sided. There is a “Receive” side to emotions and a “Give” side to emotions.
And I noticed how painful “receive” sides of emotions are in some cases. Or Receive of Gift, Receive of Love, Receive of Home… do NOT feel the same as the Give side. Giving love feels so much better. Giving home… even if I am giving these things to myself, Joshua, they feel different.
And that’s when I started asking and exploring why.
Present Day…
I still have ADHD. I get sidetracked and use the words and thinking to distract from the pain. I’m in the middle of a Perspective Shift. I call this Shifting. And the only way to get through it is to accept it and ride it out.
Hurt is imagined!
The pain I feel is imagined! It is not real! It is a trained response to my… child hood. My mother… It is just a trained response that my “Jerry” has blown out of proportion to MOTIVATE me to ACT! I know what this is… This is Jerry and his ol’ Motivator Emotions…
*breathe*
So… inside this subconscious mind with it’s 5 levels… Is the Id. Angel. You need to name your own Id. I have been naming Id’s since 1996. Then… There are the personalities. We all have multiple personalities. The difference between a Multiple and a non-multiple, is that a Multiple has multiple conscious minds each assigned to a defined personality. A non-multiple has one conscious mind that encompasses all the undefined personalities. That is it.
My personalities never split. My conscious mind did… which is why I had different memories for each.
*breathe*
Present day
It’s like labor pains. It comes and it goes… like the nerves on my foot when I stepped on a hot coal.
The pain is imagined… It’s just a conditioned response from abuse. Hate the pain. Hate the pain more than you fear the change!
I’ll walk through it now… The What If’s…
What if he… finds… he won’t.
What if he forgets… he won’t.
What if he loves… he won’t.
He is just scared.
So he withdraws and exercises his freedom to prove to himself that he is free.
So let him run around and burn off energy. Let him prove to himself that he is free… He needs to learn this lesson. And you need to learn that he has not left you. And you both will make it through.
And this has triggered every part of your Jerry. He runs around using Fear and Trauma to MOVE to ACT to DO… NOW! NOW! NOW! These are what I call Motivator Emotions.
And I hate this so much. Why do I feel so attached? What is this thing inside of me that my mother put here? It is fear. The coldest, deepest kind of fear… Abandonment. It’s so old. I was abandoned.
I imagine the fear. I grow it. Yes, I purposely envision the emotion in front of me. I envision growing the ball until it is taller than me. And then, I step into the emotion. I allow it to engulf me. It’s all over me and through me. And I memorize the feeling.
I desensitize myself to this feeling.
Fear is just a fictionalized future… And the emotion is the trigger.
Just the emotion.
So when you feel the emotion in your relationships, it triggers the past. And you react to your spouse.
When you are really experiencing emotional PTSD.
Jerry throws tantrums. He screams and rants and trashes the place… He cries.
“Jerry.”
“I can’t control!” he screams at me. “I’m scared.”
Love isn’t scarce.
He can love her and you too.
No one chose me! No one ever chooses me!
No one has to.
My own mother didn’t choose me! My own father did not choose me! My husbands! I was always an affair! Someone’s second choice! Someone’s lover or dirty secret they kept from the wife! No one chooses me!
And I just sit with the emotions and let Jerry cry… But he’s not allowed to respond. He is not allowed to act. I tell Jerry No. Because it is more important to protect Juan’s subconcious and psychological safety than anything else. And this is about me and my Jerry.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with Juan.
Present day…
Meditate. Breathe. More weed.