Present Day
I had myself a good cry. I’m coming down and I now must explain.
Every time my partner, Juan, left the house I would grow anxious. The anxiety was indescribable. Every day, for two years, if I did not know he was home, then I panicked.
Tonight is the first night since August 2021 that Juan and I are not talking and I don’t know where he is. So I felt the panic. I recognized the trigger. It was PTSD.
I knew exactly what to do. I smoked some marijuana, identified the emotion and stepped into it. I memorized the feeling, Named it, and then sank into Level #4. There is where the traumas are born. The only way through to Level #4 is through an emotion. I have done this with warm emotions and cold emotions.
Going forward I will be referring to emotions as either warm or cold. This is because it is not healthy to keep referring to emotions as “bad” or “negative” as these terms become manifesting mantras over time.
He just read the text… 3 hours later during “prime time” and I just feel total relief that he is alive and okay. I do not trust he is safe. I am just very protective of him. That is all. Whoa, Anna. lol… We need to dial that emotion down. WAY down.
Prime Time is the time I allot from 6:00 PM to morning. The time my husband was beaten. He was on a drug run. And he was robbed and attacked after being led around all night. I couldn’t get to him. I couldn’t do anything. And then when I saw his face…
It traumatized me. To see my husband beaten like that.
One moment… The pain is back… I need to breathe through the next round…
The fear is imagined. It isn’t real. This old fear does not belong in this present. This old fear does not belong in this present. This fear isn’t for Juan. This is a past emotion in the present. It doesn’t belong. This is a past emotion out of place. It should not be here.
That mantra was highly effective. That is what we call an old belief. And now I need to put in the new belief.
I can trust Juan. I trust Juan to take care of himself. I trust Juan to always take care of himself. I trust Juan to take care of his needs. I can trust Juan to take care of his needs. So I don’t have to. I can trust Juan to take care of himself… So I don’t have to.
I’m tired. Juan and I are polyamorous. Monogamy violates my ethics. But… I had a false belief that if I wanted love, I had to have a loyal monogamous marriage. And I had a false belief that I could not trust my husbands. So Monogamy hurt me and the toxic beliefs that were forced into me, prevented my poly lifestyle.
But, with DID, my choices were celibacy or polyamory.
I’m tired. This always takes a lot out of me.
This is the first time I’ve recorded one. I’m starting to come down… But Jerry is still there screaming. This will continue for several days.