I understand now. In 1993, I met a boy who would go on to terrorize me for 3 years. He was one year younger than me, but his violence, aggression, Narcissism, and pure evil reached levels that I didn’t quite process. In fact, I’ve never dealt with it.
Now, things are surfacing and I am having no choice, but to “deal” with it.
This is all about the relationship my Perspective and Subconscious has with the memories of this relationship. And it is time I deal with them.
Being raped on 10 May, really did a lot to surface my unresolved issues with Michael. They were horrific and, for some time, was the lesser of two evils I was forced to choose between. Michael’s evil reached realms of sick that, within 6 months, made me realize that the evil I was avoiding by “consenting” to Michael’s tactics were far greater mentally than the physically abuse I was seeking to avoid from my brother.
I short, I had to choose between being sexually imprisoned, tortured, and raped by Michael, or being killed by my brother who made a point of telling me every day that he would “fucking kill me.”
At 14 years old, Michael began with begging, taking advantage of my mental vulnerability, using threats to control and manipulate. He was sadistic, violent, and he threatened to kill people I loved if I didn’t have sex with him. He threatened to “return me to my brother.”
In addition, I have taken on additional mental damage by innocent by-standards and therapists trying to “help themselves understand my situation better,” all of whom simply made my situation worse.
NIMH, on a medical front, I can feel the chemicals in my brain shifting as re-shift my perspective around the truth and memories. I never thought of it before. How much memories play a significant part in the Cognitive Core. Memories are, it is as if they are, the data or “official mental file” on the situation with which to build my Cognitive Core on, fascinating.
I am now accessing that Cognitive Core file in the memory bank and using logic and formal argument to correct the lies and toxic beliefs that were supplanted into my Cognitive Core. My Subconscious, my Conscious is now ready to receive this.
Self, Dear Reader, may you witness and learn what I am doing so that you too can learn how this is done.
He was 14, and police, my parents, my family, my friends, my therapist in 2015, all said, “You were the predator because you were 15.”
My therapist said to me, “Were you really locked in the room?”
No. Because he didn’t have to use the lock. He just used fear and threats. Those were my cages.
He was 50 pounds bigger than me. He was 1 foot taller than me. He killed dogs, threatened to kill someone I love. He hit, threw things… he cut me and drank my blood. I was his little rape toy. Breaking up with him was difficult and took multiple attempts due to the co-dependency between us.
He cried to manipulate my heart strings. I would pity him and consent. He would throw a tantrum at rejection. He has spent more than 2/3rds of his adult like in prison due to manufacturing meth. Yeah, he’s “that” kind of bad, and at 14 he had me as his little sex slave.
I was pulled out of class in school one day. A guidance counselor and this police were there. Someone had filed a report. I suspect it was the man who I called father back then.
The police said to me, “If you get pregnant, I am PERSONALLY coming after you.” He accused me of statutory rape because I was 1 year older. The counselor said nothing.
That was the day I refused to trust or believe cops. I was alone.
Everyone was more interested in me leading the ethical path, than helping me. No one knew what threats he gave me. What I was forced to do. How much I was forced to serve him. How he used BDSM, to “Dom” me and sexually torture me. He was a woman-hater and a sadist who tortured women to avenge his mother. And he used my body as his playground.
I was in love with Jon, his best friend. Jon had introduced me to Michael to “get rid of me” because my love and affection for Jon annoyed him. The solution was to distract me with Michael.
Instead, Michael became obsessed and possessive of me. And the trauma that ensued, groomed me for the rapist that would come next.