Maybe NIMH isn’t who I should be writing to. I don’t know. It helps to think I’m writing “to” someone. Holds me accountable.
Freud? Jung maybe?
I found another stage of healing this weekend…
This one… it was severe depression and feeling a lack of motivation, lack of want, lack of desire. Lack of doing. I was pushing myself, out of sheer financial desperation, I pushed myself into the ground until I was worn and nothing was left.
I was overwhelmed, confused, and burn out. I’m sick, Battling a SEVERE case of Covid or the flu. A friend of mine advised me to rest this weekend. You can’t work while burn out.
And I did. I rested. I vegged. I stopped prioritizing.
Sometimes, I just want to talk to the Universe.
Thing is… I realized, I just completed my a kind of “Final Exam,” for my Enlightenment Journey. I was in these Spiritually Awakening Groups… They were… terrible. People complaining. Whining. Criticizing… 6 months ago, I deliberately walked “The Way of the Buddha.”
I did this for two reasons:
- I wanted to know what the Buddha saw.
- I valued that path.
They say that only through true suffering can we know enlightenment.
I lost so much. I lost almost everything. I no longer fear loss.
I went hungry. I starved. I was 120 when I began this journey. I’m now 95. I no longer fear hunger.
I had nothing. Lived without money. Was poor. Am poor. I no longer fear having no money.
I was raped. Again. All of my fears, I faced. And I walked away from it… I no longer fear rape or sex.
I became aware of my Energy.
I became aware of my needs.
I became aware of what mattered most to me.
I became aware that I was spending too much time, effort, and energy focused on others.
I used to love talking to people. I think I still do. I just… I need to focus on talking. Talking to people again. I have the strength. I will keep going.
The last stage of healing… When you’re tested. You are tested and the Universe dumps into your lap every possible fear you can imagine. And you not only survive it. You flourish. And you realize it doesn’t scare you anymore. It doesn’t phase you anymore.
It’s the final exam that proves to yourself that you can endure anything.
And then you grieve.
A long, arduous grief for all you’ve lost. Forever you had to lose to grow. This grief, they don’t warn you about. The depression came back. The suicidal ideations came back (for a time). You feel the passion and the fire behind you. Soon, it will erupt and you’ll kick ass.
But for now, you’re recovering. You just aced the final exam of life.
Take a knee. Heal. Grow.
I’m relentless. So the Universe made me sick with the flu to make SURE I sat down and rested. But the final stage of healing… is a final exam. When all the Universe throws everything it has at you to prove to yourself that YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
And then the grief.
I do believe, my transformation is complete.
And suddenly I realized, I was never healing. I was transforming.