I feel like, every day, I have the same conversation with The Universe. And the dialogue is growing dry.

“Where do you want me?” I ask it.

“What do you want?”

I roll my eyes.

What I want is buried under the Fears, the Expectations, and the Navigations of Invasive Thoughts embedded into me since childhood. I work every day to strip these poisons out of me. Yet, the deepest of theses toxins resist my efforts.

“What do I want?” I ask of it. Fear of Wanting. Fear of Desire. More Fears left Undefined… until now.

Fear of Love and Fear of the Scarcity of Love.

Fear of Growth.

Fear of Change.

Fear of the Unknown.

Fear of the Self.

Fear of the Undefined Self.

Fear of the Defined Self.

Will this list never end?

Today, I find one more.

Fear of Wanting. Fear of Desire.

My Partner knows me best. “Write.”

And every time I put proverbial pen to paper, I feel my Truth flow. He is right. I need to write.

Trying to sort out one’s Perspective, One’s Truth while they define their Relative Truth… while trying to define the Insanity that broke me… The task never felt daunting to me. This may be why I feel immune to Overwhelm.

So I’m at this place in my life lately where it’s just me and the Universe. And every day I define myself more clearly. Every day, I articulate a little bit more of this vast puzzle box I’m part of. I think. I philosophize. I talk on Triadic Healing. I define more of myself. I find more of my way out of the puzzle box.

And finally, this week, I realized, I’m out. Out out. There are levels of “being out.” And I realized I’m out more than ever. I feel like I’m staring at this vast sea of nothing.

“Now what?” I ask. The Universe shrugs.

“What do you want?”

What do I want?

Why is that question so hard? That’s when I realize, the Fear of Desire.

And why the fear? What could possibly go wrong? What is the worst thing that could happen?

***

“What do you want?”

I do want to write.

“Why don’t you?”

I’m afraid of the obsession. I’m afraid of… how it used to consume me.

“What do you want?”

To play D&D… To just… Tell my story. My way.

“What else?”

To say to the world, “Hey! Friends! I’m heading to the Beach! Who’s coming!?” and BOOM I have 20 people meeting me at the Beach on any given Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

What do you want?

I want to have a large enough community that when I’m ready to Adventure, within 30 minutes, I’ll have the people to jump in and join me. To not have to hunt for people.

What do you want?

To have my Podcast that just… booms. And to attract the right people who…

“How do they know you’re for them?”

Show them myself. Show them me. Show them my dreams and my thoughts and my plans.