I struggle with writing still. And I need to write. It’s been hard to write it all down. I used to do this. A list of all my hobbies and passions that I would rotate out every day.
I forgot. I feel this… Arrogance is a fantastic tool for releasing the Humility as if… Arrogance was designed to unlock Humility. As if… The opposite of each emotion is the key to unlocking and unbalancing the surplus emotion.
I have had significant Humility all my life. And now, yes. I need Arrogance to pull out my Humility and balance it out. And while I do that, I love myself and I know I will be safe. I can release all of my pure potential and realize what I am supposed to do.
And to do this, I need to go to the extreme.
I’ve been allowing the full flood of all emotions in turn. Exploring each while I figure out what it is each one does. I realized, the journalling actually allows me to explain my process in the privacy of my own mind and without judgement.
Judgement. It is hard to live one’s life, torn between the expectations of scarcity, humbleness, and poverty all while realizing your true potential. To recognize the mindset you are in, and to shed it like a coat so that you may step into another and assume the role and the life of your dreams.
It makes one question what is reality and what isn’t.
Here, with these words, on this page, I am alone in my thoughts. I forgot how very much I cherish the pure isolation of the written word. It is as if improvisation draws my attention to performance and rhythm, music, and speech, while here, on this page, my attention favors the serenity of my mind.
Oh, why do I lack the discipline to write these days?
I feel discouraged some days. I feel the only obstacle in my way is my own mind. Every day, I wage war against the Subconscious. I desire, and he blocks as if to deter me from my goal. I seek the passion that was once inside of me. I seek the freedom to unleash my happiness and joy as I once did.
I desire community, a network, my king, my friends. And yet… I feel frustrated and stoppered. Today, I researched, “Client.” I am not fond of the word for it has feelings of one who is used. Community. It is something I find is challenging for me.
It’s a matter of shifting my thoughts and my perspective about until I find the right one intended for me. The Perspective that requires no effort to “keep on track.” It is as if expectations from others and on myself shape my perspective. I need to be aware of this. Careful to ensure my Perspective enfolds as it needs without any influence from me to be what it isn’t meant to be.
So, I wish to then inquire… What is my perspective? The Perspective that requires little to no maintenance?
It slips back into my Fantasy. Maybe… that is where my happiness is. Back in my Fantasy. They told me I Dissociated. They told me my world of Fantasy was my Dissociation. The thing is… When you Dissociate, you feel nothing. I did that for a time. I felt nothing. I was numb.
To release the power within… I relax and manifest, calming my mind and soothing my Fears. My Power is my Energy and my Energy is Imagination.
What if I abandon all care for my peers? What if, I refuse their prestige. What if, I embrace my play as I once did with my Imp King? Reputation? Madness? Prestige? Play? What words of wisdom do they have? For have they not ruled this world into war and chaos? Have they not ruled this world into Societal enslavement?
What if I could free them with their Imagination just as I have been free all my life through Fantasy and Dreams?
Play makes the difference between living and dying. And I’m tired of dying. I wish to live once again. I am I, Don Quixote.