Bullying is a painfully misunderstood topic in the US. Around the world, actually.
We think bullying is just a boy on a playground beating up a smaller boy for his milk money. The movie “Mean Girls” depicts the cliquish female version of bullying.
The phrase, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”
Ugh! Such a demeaning, invalidating motto to cover up an already invalidating trauma.
And that is exactly what bullying really is. It is Invalidation.
First, let’s clear up a few things. Every one plays the bully sometimes. Some, more than others. No one is a strict “Bully” and no one is strictly “the Bullied.”
Just like no one is a “Narcissist” and not one person is solely an “Empath.”
Everyone dabbles in both traits sometimes. Some, more than others. But even the purest of Empaths, behave as a Narcissist. The world is not as black and white as our abusers want us to think.
That black and white thinking was conditioned into us to make it easier to abuse.
Remove the gray from an argument, and the control because cut and dry.
Everyone can bully.
Doctors bully patients. Attorneys bully clients. Parents bully children. Teachers bully students. Spouses bully their partners. Religious leaders bully followers. Adults bully more so than children. In fact, many adults have several decades of experience of mastering bullying.
What happens in the mind when we are bullied?
One primary thing happens. We are INVALIDATED.
Usually it begins with our Name. Our Name is one of the first things attacked, in fact. It is taken away from us, and a label is put in its place instead.
Our Voice is taken away. If we object, if we speak up and say, “Don’t do that,” we are invalidated more through more labels or physically assaulted.
The invalidation hurts. All invalidation hurts. And that hurts usually results in emotions. Crying in most cases. Our abusers then attack our display of emotions.
In a single session of bullying, our Names are taken away from us, our Voices are silenced, our Emotions invalidated through mockery and more labels.
Validation is the reaffirmation that your PERSPECTIVE is CORRECT.
It is really important that you process that sentence because this is the core of trauma. This is the core of abuse. This is where everything goes from having a bad day that you can get through, to having a lifelong trauma follow you.
Validation is the confirmation that your perspective is correct.
Invalidation is someone else’s confirmation that your perspective is incorrect.
Really sit with those two definitions. Read them again.
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Our Identities are made up of three parts:
Our Name. Our Voice. Our Emotions (Feelings, Wants, Desires, Dreams).
Our Name defines us. In a few short words, or one word, it reminds us who we are.
A label is an invalidation placed on us by someone else.
One of my favorite examples of Names is in The Hobbit. When Bilbo confronts Smaug and he gives him all of his names, “Barrel Rider.” “Thief in the Dark.” “Riddle Master.”
What Bilbo was doing in that moment, was validating all of the things he had become during his adventure. Such a powerful reclaiming of his identity. And that moment, for me, was the point of The Hobbit.
“I’m just a Hobbit,” he said to Gandalf in the beginning. “I’m nobody.”
Yet, there he was before a dragon in the end, saying, “I am Barrel Rider.”
“What is in a Name?”
Everything, William. Everything.
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Our Voice. The first and most valuable tool we have to advocate who we are, what we are, what we want and to stand up for ourselves as say to the world, “This is me!”
Our Voice is the difference between being a Secret Keeper for our abusers (we will talk a lot on Secret Keeping) and protecting ourselves with our words. Our Voice is the core to our confidence. It is the power of connection. It is the heart of our vulnerability. Our Voice is the doorway to our psyche.
There is power in your Voice.
Voice is the first victim of abuse.
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Emotions.
Emotions are the Voice of our subconscious. They are the things that tell us to go, to move, to stay, to dream, to motivate, to stop, to pause, to think, to run, to laugh, to hug. Emotions are the fuel of our lives.
We only know where to go and who to be and how to get there when we listen to and embrace all of our emotions.
***
When these three things come together, Name, Voice, Emotions, then, and only then, do we know who we are.
But classmates called us names.
Parents called us stupid.
Parents told us that “Children should be seen and not heard.”
Parents and society told us that “boys don’t cry” and “Why are you crying!?” or “I’ll give you a reason to cry.”
One by one, society, teachers, religious leaders, politicians, parents, siblings, and classmates beat us down, took our Names. Gave us labels. Took our Voices. And punished our Emotions.
We Dissociated, throwing away our emotions to prevent and avoid the impending punishment should we acknowledge our emotions.
And what you are left with is a nameless, mute, numbed individual who has forgotten their real name, become too afraid to speak, and is too afraid to feel.
And THAT is what I seek to help you recover in yourself.
THIS is what I want to teach to people. How to recover themselves.