My favorite thing about healing is the final shift from Perspective to “Big Picture.’
That is today’s healing.
Yesterday… this weekend… it was…
You know when you go to the eye doctor’s and they test your eyes. And after an hour they hand you a new pair of glasses… and you can SEE. And you look at the trees you’ve looked at a million times before. You look at the clouds as if you’re seeing them for the first time. You have had a visual perspective shift. Your brain has to relearn, redefine, re-memorize… EVERYTHING.
When you heal a perspective, it’s just like that. You have to go back on every memory and revisit it. And, just like you’re wearing corrective lenses, you can see it properly for the first time.
Like… I just realized… When 9/11 happened, my family didn’t know if I was there in New York. They knew I was there every weekend. And no one called to see if I was alive… How did I not see that until now? How did I miss that? I didn’t see because my Subconsciousness would not let me see.
I would call today, 6 June 2023, as they first day out of the Darkness. I think… I think I finally understand. Here, where I am now… This is Normal. This is “like everybody else.” This is “fitting in.” I now can see what everyone else sees. So… this is the Sun light.
Wow… What I saw… what I lived through… I’m in stunned disbelief. Oh! There it is! lol… The Cognitive Core is processing. And I’m watching the wheels in my mind turn as the contraption hums to life and shifts…New Beliefs are being uploaded. My Subconscious sifts them through into understanding… Shock and Awe… Wow! How do I feel about this?
How does it affect Angel?
Angel… I can see her still. She was never my Alters. The lights are all on now in my 1st Level. Angel is standing in the light. She’s a woman now. A strong, confident, calm woman. Her back is straight. She’s staring out into the sun with me. She’s regal. She’s the Goddess.
She glances at me and smiles. A single nod.
Oh, my god… do I love her. And I, the Conscious Mind is beside her. Jerry is GONE. Yesterday, I felt the dragon quiet, calm, settle… he curled up, and went to sleep.
“Did you know… there was a dragon in here, Angel?”
Angel laughed and giggled. Her brown hair shifted when she laughed and the color changed to gold. It shimmered in the sun.
My god… She was breathtaking. She was tall… Well, taller than me. The Neighbor’s kid was FINALLY home. Rick was buzzing away at the Cognitive Core on the 3rd level… making sure that we all took it in.
“I know why I fought so hard. I had to be able to fix them. Because if I couldn’t fix them, how would I ever know that I could fix me?”
Angel glanced at me. I could feel the water in my eyes simmering.
“I could not fail. Not on this. I was obsessed. Obsessed with my healing. With getting out. I had to…’
She placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“It really was supposed to be just you and me,” I said to her. “No one else is here.”
She shook her head. “No.”
All of those other pieces, parts, and players… that was just noise.
“I don’t miss them. Not the Alters. They’re still me. Still there… but… only as feelings. As if, they have gone back to just being feelings again.”
The Cognitive Core hummed. I was seeing a new perspective. This one, my mouth fell open.
“They were just feelings.”
Angel gave her regal nod. Just as Imagination used to do so often.
“The Altars… were the last stage of emotions. They became people personified.”
“Yes,” Angel whispered.
Imagination was now just the feeling of all my power. The feeling of my whimsical free-spirit. All my love for the Earth personified. And Bergen… was my confidence. Kallan was my rage. All the rage I wouldn’t permit. I remember… at 15, I had a long talk with a therapist about how bad feeling angry is. And Joanna. She was the feeling of endurance, never quitting, dedication, determination, perseverance… She was my logical tactician. She was the one in charge of navigating the nightmare I was in.
“Your top four primary emotions,” Angel said. “Imagine that.”
Bergen was my confidence… and he protected. Confidence and protection… Imagination was all the power. My Freedom. And Teacher. With Learning, we are free. Kallan with Rage and my warrior. That one is easy. We all know that rage is linked to the fighter. Joanna… strategist. Logician. She had to endure. Plan. Plot. Move.
It’s like… I stopped feeling all emotions but these four.
“You stop using the emotions. You shut them down… and they break off into pieces of your mind, don a Voice, a wardrobe, a weapon of choice, and they crash the next party with a vengeance. As if to say, “To me… you will listen, or I will drive.”
It’s so quiet. This is just severe Dissociation. That’s all any of this was, Angel. Severe and total Dissociation. I feel like a newborn! Feeling EVERYTHING for the first time.”
Bergen?
Silence.
I feel a little sad. I talked to him so much… During the worst of it, he was there. First, as a listener then, as a lover.
“You’re in the Adaption stage,” Angel said.
Yes. I need to take a knee and just take it all in.
Now… I can focus. It’s time to build the Garden. 2 April 2015. That’s when all this started. 6 June 2023. That’s when all this ended.
Tribble died June 2013. Technically… this all started then.
I felt the love ripple through me. I felt the belonging settle. I had my family. My sisters are the moon, the sea, and the rain. My mother is the earth. I am Goddess of Manifestation and I yield from my Sister Goddesses. I love women. My god, do I.
I have the love of my life. My imp. Who I love through the ages. I have my purpose. This story. The Healing Garden.
I have my heading. I want to be rich. I’ve suffered too much to ever work again. I’m going to fill my life with play, song, dance, and laughter. And writing… and I’m going to make money doing just that.
I’m going to tell my story, and I’m going to make a lot of money doing it. And I want to teach people how to do what I did. My way! Oh! I’m so excited! And I have a new friend! He needs a name!
Money man! He’s so cute!! Oh, I wish you could see him! He’s adorable! He’s like a 2 foot tall baby Groot built entirely out of paper money! And he just runs around my head!
“Remember, Anna. This is a take a knee and process day. Tomorrow too. You will need 3 to 4 days to adjust to the new perspective.”
I nodded. Of course. Always. In the meantime, I would keep talking to my people. I would keep just… talking.