I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression at age 16 (1996), and I was given Prozac by my doctor without any follow up. I refused to take the pills and instead started exercising and dancing to naturally put serotonin into my system. It worked. I also changed my thinking and implemented positive thinking, which also worked.
Exercise and dance were my only “medication” up until 2007.
- I did not drink.
- I did not use recreational drugs.
- I did not smoke marijuana.
- I did not smoke tobacco.
- I did not cut.
- I did not get tattoos or piercings or self-harm.
The changes I implemented in 1996 did a lot to fuel my belief on the hormonal response to positive thinking and optimism. Later, in 2022, I would add Gratitude to this list.
In 2007, I was prescribed Zoloft for one year following the birth of my third child. I had a history of suffering from severe PostPartum Depression. Zoloft shut down all my emotions and made me 100% psychopathic. When I realized my complete lack of emotions, I realized I needed to come off the pills. My then-husband #1 refused to take me to the doctor at that point because I was easier to control under the medication. I went without medical care for a year as a result. I went online and learned how to safely wing myself off of the meds.
In 2011, one of my Alters began drinking and smoking clove cigarettes (1 to 2 cigarettes a month. One beer once a month).
In April 2015, I wrote Broken. During that time, I smoked and drank like an addict for two months. No more. After writing Broken, I realized I needed help and finally sought out medical attention.
In 2015, I was diagnosed with PTSD, BiPolar I, Suicidal Ideation, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. Therapists disagreed on my diagnoses of BiPolar I. I strongly disagreed with BiPolar I and was adamant that I had Borderline Personality Disorder because I had 8 of the 9 symptoms and had Disorganized-Attachment Style. My Arachnophobia and Claustrophobia were not addressed.
I was prescribed Lamotrigine 10 mg and Escitalopram 5 mg.
6 months later, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and prescribed Levothyroxine 88 mg.
I suffered from severe Social Anxiety that also went undiscussed. The Social Anxiety was so severe that I was a clinical shut-in from 2001 – 2020.
In 2015, realizing how inadequate my therapy was, I created my own program to supplement my therapy: a process I later named The Rorschach Print Perspective, which I combined with Exploratory Dialogues.
In 2016, I focused on my own self-care and began Meditation, Yoga, and Tai Chi. These Eastern practices, when partnered with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy were so impactful in my healing that I practice them to this day for regulation and maintenance.
In 2018, my then-husband #2 felt this was a good time to stop all of my meds and start me on IVF hormonal treatments of Estrogen, HGH, and Progesterone injections while he used me to breed. This continued from 2018 to 2020.
When I came off all of my meds, the anticipated behaviors my therapists expected from BiPolar I, did not occur. And the BiPolar I diagnosed was dropped. My “manic” episodes were actually my ADHD kicking in, which balanced nicely with my Depression to give the impression of BiPolar I. My “mood swings” were actually episodes of Borderline Personality Disorder, my Alters switching from the DID, and PTSD triggers sending me into fits and outbursts. To this day, I strongly question the actual existence of BiPolar.
So much emphasis was placed on BiPolar I, that from 2015 to 2020, only my PTSD was treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In 2015, I had 44+ triggers.
In 2019, I suffered from 2 miscarriages.
In 2020, my therapist finally acknowledged that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. By this time, my therapist told me that I had crammed 20 years of therapy into 5. My PTSD was down from 44 triggers to 8.
From 2020 to 2023, I found myself playing therapist to several of my friends… all of whom had doctorate degrees in Psychology. My therapists within those years, spent my therapy asking me for advice rather than helping me with my therapy. I realized, in 2023, that my skills in psychology were too advanced for most psychologists to assist me, and I proceeded to do my own work alone.
In 2022, I realized I had Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, ADD/ADHD, Psychological Entrapment, and Stockholm Syndrome. Unable to find a therapist who would take on the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I researched DBT and did it myself, which I found insanely easy to do because of my philosophical studies in Formal Argument and Debate. Also, I had mastered Meditation and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
In 2023, I realized, due to my own research in Addiction, that my spending habits took me on an emotional journey identical to Alcoholism, eating disorders, and additional addictions. I applied my methods partnered with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and within 24 hours, my 30+ years of catering to my sporadic Spending Addiction, ended.
From 2015 to this present moment, I documented everything.
My writing began in my book, Broken, which I published in 2015. A Psychologist likened Broken to Prince of Tides and was nominated for the Wishing Shelf Award.
After Broken, I documented my healing from 2015 to 2020 all on my Author Website blog, “Exploratory Dialogues.” From 2020 to 2023, I went on Walkabout and began my Self-Empowerment Journey, which I implemented alongside my Rorschach Print Perspective and Exploratory Dialogues.
In April 2022, my Alters revealed themselves to myself and to each other. In the last year, I have researched and studied everything there is on DID. I am now integrated and live without Switching under one Conscious mind. The “Voices” in my head are gone.
In July 2022, I got my first tattoo. I got my belly pierced. I got a third ear piercing. All were things I chose for myself in celebration of the Self and were not done out of self-hate or self-loathing.
My PTSD triggers are down to 5. I will have PTSD for the rest of my life, but I properly manage my triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder is gone. My Suicidal Ideation is gone. It has been absent since May 2021. I have resolved my Claustrophobia and my Arachnophobia. I still feel the pull every now and then, but I manage it seamlessly. Strangers do not know I have either of these conditions. My Depression is gone. My Spending Addiction is gone. My Stockholm Syndrome is gone. My Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome… I’m working on it. It is very much under control, but comes back when I am exposed to white men who were my owners and abusers.
The last time I saw a helpful therapist was 2021. I have been mostly without a therapist since. I am nurturing a Secure Attachment Style, am building confidence and self-esteem.
Today, I am currently taking Escitalopram, 10 mg.
And in 2022, I conceived the idea for The Healing Garden, where I provide people with the healing program I built and used on myself.
In 2023, I returned to Exploratory Dialogues, and have continued documenting my psychological journey.
Within the last two months, I reached the final stage of Healing where I needed to find meaning in my trauma. And I have. It is the one thing I do not share with people because I am a firm believe that this lesson is one we all need to find for ourselves.
My fortes in Psychology are Narcissism, PTSD, and translating the working system of the subconscious mind. I noticed that my healing will always continue and, now that I have ended the “Surviving” Stage of my healing and am now in the “Thriving Stage,” … I have no idea what road lies ahead for me. I am still researching and documenting my findings. I document everything here.
I have recently started applying marijuana and psychedelics during a PTSD episode, which I partner with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Meditation to deliberately re-wire my nervous system to unlearn toxic beliefs imbedded into me by my abusers, while I then work to nurture and restore my authentic beliefs back to health.
I document all of my findings here.
This entry provides you with my medication, my diagnoses, and my healing journey… Now, let me show you how I got this way.