“I believe there very much is a cure to Narcissism. And it starts with using the right language and becoming aware of what we are all really dealing with.” – Anna Imagination
Cure means “To Relieve the symptoms of.”
Can We Say “Cure”?
“Most of the commonly prescribed conventional drugs treat only symptoms, not the underlying causes of a patient’s disease. This logically leads to a perception that much of modern medicine is about management of chronic disease and prevention of more serious sequelae—not actual cures. However, most health care professionals are attracted to medicine with the mission of curing patients leading to the cognitive discord that eventually leads them to integrative/functional medicine. Though use of the term cure has been actively discouraged except in limited types of cases, perhaps true health care reform needs to reclaim this term and concept.” – Joseph Pizzorno, ND, Editor in Chief
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5145017/
I am convinced a Narcissist named “Narcissism.”
I am also convinced that a Narcissist composed all the symptoms that we all know of today of what we think Narcissism is.
These two statements do a lot to sum up what Narcissism really is. A manipulation of Language to throw us all off the track so we can’t possibly know what it is we are really dealing with. That way, we can’t disarm it or defend ourselves against it. They have done an excellent job.
I first had Stage #1 Narcissist Symptoms from 1995 – 2002. Then I had Stage #2 Narcissism from 2002 – 2020. Then I had Stage #3 Narcissism from 2020 to 2023.
In 17 December 2023, I figured out that I had Narcissism, and I reverse engineered it from the inside out. From November 2023 to March 2024, I had found myself in yet ANOTHER (business) relationship with a Narcissist. A blessing in disguise. It allowed me to see both sides of Narcissism inside and out, from all angles.
Two sides of the same coin. One needs to save. The other needs to be saved. Both have common denominators. The Language they use is the same. Both are addicted to feeling Safe. One feels Safe when they Help others. The other feels safe when they are helped by others.
- One learned Narcissism from others passed down through Trauma (Damsel).
- The other turned to Narcissism as an Addiction to a bigger problem (The Caregiver).
The questions that needs to be asked is:
- Are you a Trauma-Made Damsel?
- Are you a Narcissist-Born Damsel?
- Are you a Narcissist-Born Superhero?
- Are you an Addiction-Seeking Superhero?
I was a Narcissist-Born Damsel and a Trauma-Made Damsel. Knowing which one you are will tell you how to resolve it.
Narcissism is an Addiction to Helping and/or Being Helped.
Narcissism comes with The Resentment Stage (this is what most of us are very familiar with).
Narcissism’s primary weapon of choice is Language.
Narcissism is a misnomer.
Narcissus was actually the archetype of Self-Love. Pure, beautiful, perfect self-love. The last thing Narcissus was, was a Narcissist.
The “I” of 1st Person Point of View
Self-Responsibility
Narcissists have one fear: The “I” of 1st Person Point of View. They will do anything, especially bastardize and contaminate words and language to avoid the “I” of 1st Person Point of View.
“What does “the “I” of 1st Person Point of View” mean?”
Narcissists are so terrified of Self-Responsibility that they will do anything to avoid it. Including, going so far as not even saying the words “I chose.”
Some Narcissists (Stage #2 and #3) even speak of themselves in the 3rd Person. I first noticed this with my mother in 1995.
The horrific Narcissist Monster that we are all vigilantly looking for and talk about in a manic panic (Manic is Panic… in case you were not aware) is a diversion. The most manic of Narcissist haters are the biggest narcissists. I was one of them.
- Empaths are Narcissist (I was this one).
- Borderline Personality Disorder is Narcissism (I was this one too).
- Codependency is when BOTH people — The Helper and The Helped — are Narcissists (did this one too).
It’s all in the language we all use.
YOU do not attract Narcissists. The LANGUAGE you use attracts Narcissists.
The Language
Imagine that there are two types of people in the world: Purple People and Green People. And that is it. The Purple People speak their language. The Green People speak their language.
Purple People will attract Purple People speakers.
Green People will attract Green People speakers.
An example of this is in the movie La Amistad when the characters are looking for a very specific African translator in the early 1800’s, so the characters walk through the streets speaking the language until one man steps from the crowd because he knows and recognizes the language.
Our Language draws us in. Not our Language repels us.
Our Ethics draws us in. Nor our Ethics repels us.
Now, imagine that the Purple People are all speaking Narcissism Language. The Green People are speaking Healthy Happy Mind Language. In fact, this is how I cured my own Narcissism. I loathed Narcissism in me so much, I was so anti-Narcissism, that I rejected even their language on a Subconscious Level, and completely changed the way I spoke.
In less than 6 months, Narcissism was completely out of me and out of my life. And that was with half the knowledge I’m giving you here.
In less than a day, in explaining this to my BFF, she was calling me up pointing out and removing Narcissist Language in her speech that I had not yet picked up on. With all of us working together, I am confident that we can get down to the core of this. Submit your Narcissist stories and Language Observations here. This information will go a long way to help me verify my findings.
The Purple People attract Purple People. The Green People attract Green People. But more than that… The Green People REPEL Purple People and the Purple People REPEL the Green People.
Now let’s call the Purple People Narcissists and the Green People Happy Healthy Mind People and let’s turn everyone into Blue People.
How do you sort out the Narcissists?
The Language.
How Language REALLY Works
If you are into Manifesting, you are going to love this next section.
Language Cultivates Mindset.
Mindset is a Consequence of our Language.
Emotions and Feelings dictate our Language, which then becomes our Mindset.
Narcissists Manipulate this by changing the Language to override the Emotions and the Feelings, which cultivates their Mindset.
And their only Agenda? “Get my next Safety Fix.”
Language is learned through Mirror-Mimic-Repetition-Response. It is FAST. After a few weeks, we pick up accents, verbiages, slang… Nothing is learned faster than Language. Wherever we live, we collect the dialects and accents.
If you have ever been around a Narcissist, even for a few months, you will have picked up their language.
Narcissists have their Subconscious Mind working HARD around the clock, terrified of words. Words are the Narcissist’s greatest fear because words are filled with Self-Responsibility, The “I” of the 1st Person Point of View, and are a land-mine of Self-Accusation… which is why Narcissists are obsessed with Blame.
Narcissists are so terrified of Language that they have warped it, changed it, manipulated it, altered it, and they will do anything to keep the Language from pointing “Self-Responsibility” at their “I” of the 1st Person Point of View.
There you have it.
Now, if your parents were Narcissists, and you were raised with the Language, the Language will draw in other Narcissists right to you even though you are not a Narcissist. This does not mean that you are a Narcissist. It does mean you speak the Language so they can find you.
Now before you jump all over that with relief, “OH MY GOD! ME! THAT’S ME! I’M NOT A NARCISSIST, I JUST LEARNED THE LANGUAGE!”
I will point out to you that if you just had a rush of emotional relief at this news, chances are you have Narcissism.
Only Narcissists get emotional over words. Read that again.
If this article is making you angry, you have Narcissism.
If this article is making you panicked, you have Narcissism.
If this article is giving you mild relief, you only have The Language.
If this article is giving you *Logical relief, you only have The Language.
If this article is giving you waves of hopefulness, you have Narcissism.
If you just spent this entire article thinking about everyone else in your life instead of yourself, you have Narcissism. And this… this is Type #2 Narcissism at its heart. Narcissists only run, operate, think, and live in “They.” Never “I.” Type #1 Narcissists take on too much “I.”
Narcissism is an imbalance of Responsibility. One takes on too much. The other takes on too little. Borderline Personality Disorder takes on too much of everyone else’s and too little of their own.
Change the Language, and you Change. But… You have some work to do.
*Logical Relief is a term I made up to describe the relief we all feel when suddenly “Things makes so much sense!” That is your Logical Health in your subconscious Mind absorbing all the yummy goodness of Logical Comprehension (Our Subconscious Minds run on Logical Comprehension).
Narcissism is an Addiction
At its core, Narcissism is an Addiction that you are dealing with.
Addiction to Safety (which is secured only in having no Self-Responsibility).
Addiction to Helping Others.
Addiction to Being Helped.
Addiction to Protecting.
- Narcissism makes you afraid of Freedom.
- Narcissism makes you afraid of Vulnerability.
- Narcissism makes you afraid of Trust.
Imagine if every Narcissist in the world was really an Alcoholic who had no idea that they were an Alcoholic? Awareness goes a long way.
Narcissists are Addicted to Avoiding Self-Responsibility and are terrified of their “I” of the 1st Person Point of View.
I offer an Addiction Course for those who want to break the Triple Catch-22 Cycle of Addiction.
“Responsibility is Dangerous!”
“If I am responsible,” then I can let people I love down, and I will disappoint them. And then they will leave me.
This is why Narcissists are the ultimate People Pleasers.
Their pain is so great, that they have done the most Subconscious Mental Work to avoid the “Danger Zone” that encompasses their greatest fear. Abandonment.
The Thought/Belief Process goes like this:
Risk = Threat of Abandonment / Loss of Acceptance
To Love is Being known, Being Seen, and Being Accepted.
Narcissism is the Desperate Preservation of Known, Seen, and Accepted (Loved)
Narcissism is the Belief that you will not/cannot be Known, Seen, and Accepted (Loved)
Narcissism is the surrender and submission that you will not/cannot be Known, Seen, and Accepted (Loved)
Narcissism often results in bitterness, resentment, isolation, and/or depression.
If I don’t do X, then I will lose Acceptance. +> Doing “X” risks losing Acceptance +> I will avoid committing to X so I can’t fail to do X +> Responsibility = Risk of losing Acceptance and, in most cases, this results in a complete All System Failure Shut-Down, which manifests itself in Isolation, hermitage, and Social Withdrawal
It is an Avoidance of Abandonment. It is an Avoidance of losing Acceptance (Love)
Narcissism is EMOTIONAL
I cannot begin to explain this one enough. No matter what stage you are living at, all Narcissism is Emotional Living. If you are not in a relationship, you are probably “fine.” I call this Sleeping Narcissism. Alone, Single, you are strong and empowered.
But deep down, you crave companionship. Isolating yourself because you suffer from the Emotional Highs and Lows of Narcissism in your relationships is still Narcissism.
Happy Healthy People enter relationships and remain Happy Healthy People. They do not avoid relationships to avoid the Narcissism. Happy Healthy People do not live or make choices to prevent the Sleeping Narcissism within from waking up.
The “They” in 1st Person Point of View
Narcissists live in “They.” The worse their Narcissism, the more advanced the stages, the more they fight “I” statements and think in 3rd Person “They.”
Narcissists cannot think outside of “They” 3rd Person Point of View.
The “They” in 1st Person Point of View is when every single thing that happens begins with “They did this to me…”
- “They are doing this.”
- “She did this.”
- “He did this.”
- “I couldn’t because they…
- “They made me do…
- “I just was trying…
In the rare instance they do use “I,” they almost always add the “Just” in there.
“But” is another word they use. “I love you, but…”
Happy Healthy People say, “I love you, so…”
This is the Language.
- “She is making him…”
- “I had to because…”
- “He wouldn’t let her…”
- “There was no one else, so I had to…”
- “She is keeping him busy.”
- “He wouldn’t let her.”
- “He wouldn’t let me.”
- “I wasn’t allowed to.”
- “You should…”
- “You shouldn’t…”
- “You need to…”
- “You’re remembering that wrong…”
This is not living or thinking in the 1st Person. This is 100% thinking in “They.”
Happy Healthy Minds speak only in 1st Person Point of View:
- “I chose to…”
- “I chose to because…”
- “I made a mistake.”
- “I failed to prioritize.”
- “I messed up.”
- “I did it! I fucked it up!”
- “I wanted to do it.”
- “I want this.”
- Narcissism is Highly Contagious
Because Narcissism is 100% preserved and nurtured in the Language used, Narcissism is highly “Contagious.” The more you are exposed to the Language, the more you learn and use the Language. The more you learn the language of Happy Healthy People, the more immune you become to Narcissism and its Language.
The most amazing thing about the Language is the Boundary Setting and the Narcissist’s Predictable response.
The Narcissist will always go for the Language. So when you, with your Happy Healthy Mind Language, hear their Toxic Narcissist Language, it will evoke an emotional DISGUST response. That is your clue to CONTRADICT AND CORRECT them. This will have a number of affects:
- They argue (They are Stage #3 Narcissists)
- They Justify and explain themselves (Stage #2)
- They go silent and back down, or immediately think about how they offended you… and they will obsess on this. Revisiting the subject with you again and again. (Stage #1)
The Happy Healthy Mind Language, would have a fourth response. They would apologize and forget it. Now the Happy Healthy Mind Language Person would find this fourth Response responsible (notice how much those two words are alike?) attractive and pleasant.
WORD PRECISION MATTERS.
I offer a Language Course for those who want to master the Happy Healthy Mind Language.
Narcissism = Codependence + Addiction
In short, both Narcissist Types become the other’s Addiction that fuels the insecurity of the other until it spirals out of control. The Enabler (The Superhero – Type #1) often blames and lashes out at the Narcissist battling Addiction (Damsel – Type #2). But, in fact, both are battling the Addiction of Saving/Be Saved.
Narcissism has Four Stages And Two Sides
This is why Narcissism has been so hard to figure out. Honestly, of all the riddles I’ve dissected and have obsessed over, this one… This one gave me a run for my money.
Four Stages, two Sides. Eight Total “Behavior” designed to hide the Addiction under the Contamination of Language while they throw out all the Red Herrings at the world.
And Type #1’s may or may not go on to become Type #2’s. Type #1’s will either evolve into Type #2 or shut down into Self-Preservation Mode, which is equivalent to a Mental Self-Destruct Mode.
Type #2’s will become Nuclear.
Add in Unethical Loveless (This is the “monkey wrench” that a lot of people mistake for Narcissism that isn’t Narcissism).
Sleeping Narcissism is also a factor to consider.
Narcissism was a Complex Condition to Break down.
The two Sides: Superhero vs. Damsel
Type #1’s (Superhero) create Type #2’s (Damsel). All type #2’s (Damsel) were once Type #1’s (Superhero). Not all Type #1’s (Superhero) become Type #2’s (Damsel).
And both have 4 stages with a second optional “Shut Down” mode for Type #1’s.
The Four Stages
The Four Stages of Narcissism are
Stage #1 – Both struggle with Self- Loathing
Generous Enabler (Caregiver/Superhero) vs. Grateful Receiver (Dependent) = Codependency
Stage #2 – Both struggle with Self- Loathing
Exhausted Enabler (Caregiver/Superhero) vs. Borderline Personality Disorder (The Empath/The Damsel)
This is where the Caregiver/Superhero will Shutdown and withdraw, Go on to “Overbearing Enabler,” or Transfer into The Damsel
The Borderline often has multiple Narcissists in their life: The Generous Enabler who “saves them” and a Damsel of their own who always needs saving. The Mindset of Borderline is “I’ll do anything for anyone so long as I don’t have to shoulder my own Responsibility.” We see this a lot in Mothers who Always Need Saving.
Stage #3 – Both struggle with Self- Loathing
Overbearing Enabler (Caregiver/Superhero) vs. The Narcissism we all know and love to hate “This is for your own good”. (Caregiver) vs. The Adult Toddler (Damsel). This is what I call “The Resentment Stage.” The Caregiver becomes resentful for “always having to take care others” (that language *is* Narcissist Language). The Damsel becomes resentful for “Never being allowed to take care of themselves” (that language *is* Narcissist Language)
- This is where the bragging is out of control.
- This is where the “I’m a victim” is most out of control.
- This is where the lying and deceit is out of control.
- This is where “Misers” and Bitter Resentment is most out of control (Think Scrooge)
At the core of Narcissism there is a deep love for people and for wanting to do good for others. After the Damsel’s Nuclear Explosion, the Damsel often becomes a Bitter Miser (Yes. You can come back from this. I did).
Norman Bates.
Stage #4 – Not actually Narcissism (Level #5 of the Subconscious Mind)
You are not dealing with Narcissism. What you are dealing with is Level #5 of the Subconscious Mind. I only know of two examples to give you.
Example #1
The Walking Dead: Here’s Not Here “I have interviewed thousands of criminals and have only known one truly evil person.” The person the Forensic Psychologist talks about in this episode was a Level #5 of the Subconscious Mind.
Example #2
Numb3rs: The Serial Killer who smiled and then boasted his skill at hiding his murders for decades. He had true joy in his crime. It was a game to him that he had mastered. And he was excited at how well he played it. He had happiness for being evil.
The Unethical Loveless with Stage #3 Narcissism (Truly evil and capable of sever and horrific criminal acts)
As if Narcissism wasn’t Complex enough…
This is not Narcissism. This is Unethical Loveless and there is a BIG difference. The Unethical Loveless uses Narcissism on purpose as a weapon. If you are living with someone who you suspect is Unethical Loveless, get professional help immediately. And tell the Unethical Loveless that you are wanting the help so you can make yourself better for them. This message may keep you safe until you can seek professional assistance.
Sleeping Narcissism
This one confused me for a while. Sleeping Narcissism is when you are isolated, single, un-partnered, alone and you feel great! You feel fine. But the moment you step into a relationship, a “count down” begins before things go nuclear. You have about 1 to 3 months before the Narcissist Leviathan wakes up and then the Honeymoon changes to Hellfire seemingly overnight.
If two people are actually in Genuine Love, the “Hellfire” will be gradual and happen slowly over time. How slowly is a metric of their love.
Sleeping Narcissism is most visible when you are with your Codependent Narcissist and then when you’re not.
You will experience a very confusing “transition” phase where you will bounce back into a “Single Mindset.” With your Codependent Partner, you’re in Narcissist Mindset. Away from your Codependent Partner, and you’re seemingly fine. This is because Away from your Codependent Partner, the Narcissism “sleeps.”
Identity Displacement Disorder
Because “Narcissism” is a misnomer (Anyone who has studied Greek Mythology would twitch alongside me on this), I call Narcissism “Identity Displacement Disorder.”
Identity Displacement is actually the “Displacement” of the Self into another Person. This is Undisciplined Projection. Damsels are Conditioned to give up their Identities to Superheroes without a fight. Damsels will give their Identities to others whether or not you want their Identity. Superheroes consume the Identities of others. They Absorb the Identities the longer they are around the Damsels.
Both need to master the skill “Story Stepping” to keep their Identities in their own Stories. Story Stepping is the Mental Discipline of controlling Projection and Internalization strategically and consciously.
I offer a Story Stepping Course for those who want to master this Mental Discipline.
Narcissism Villainizes
This is easily the biggest problem that Narcissism has created for all of us.
Because Narcissism Villainizes anyone who opposes them, we are all looking around, in a manic panic for the “Narcissist Monster.” Empaths (Stage #2 and Stage #3 Narcissists) flock to the Internet in groves slandering and villainizing their Ex’s who were Narcissists. They paint graphic images of deeply-seeded evil, spreading global-wide panic in the Mental Health World as we all look, paranoid, over our shoulders for the next Narcissist lurking in the corner…
This is Narcissism in its truest form.
Panic Paranoia. Welcome to Narcissist.
The loudest of Empaths who scream “NARCISSIST!” in panicked paranoia, are the most affected.
Narcissists Talk About Narcissism ALL THE TIME
This is the biggest red flag I can give you. Narcissists (Stage #2 and Stage #3) only talk about Narcissism. Now this actually has a double-edged sword to it.
Because the Flamboyant Narcissist (The Damsel) is so loud and is often consumed by Paranoia, Manic Panic, and Constant Viligence for the “next trauma,” no one even thinks to look at the Stage #1 Narcissist: The Invisible Catalyst at the core of this problem. The Enabling Superhero who trains the Damsel to be dependent.
The Stage #2 and Stage #3 “Nuclear Bomb” Narcissist (Borderline Personality Disorder) and Manic Panic Paranoia is so loud and unstable, that it consumes The Stage, allowing the Stage #1 Narcissist to fuel the fire without anyone knowing.
The Mother-Caregiver (Superhero)
Pygmalion. The Creator who fell in love with his own Creation. No one ever talks about how his Creation was named Narcissus. Everyone talks about the unlikely fate of Narcissus who idolized himself with infatuation to the point of death. But it was Pygmalion’s actions “In the Name of Love” that created Narcissus.
Pygmalion is the Superhero. The “This is for your own good” kind of parenting (Stage #3). The “Let me help you.” and “I will help you.” and “I love helping people.”
Do you love helping people? Or are you addicted to it? Do you *need* to help people?
The Mother Caregiver Stage #1 always begins with love, compassion, adoration. How can anyone say no to this gentle, innocent, Christ-like Mother-Bear?
When you are done with this article, you will have so much Disgust for this type of Narcissist, you will LOVE helping yourself. The Pygmalion is a Superhero. Always a matyr. Always “laying down their life for their friends.” Always going the extra mile. Always saving everyone except themselves.
But even the Independent, unsuspecting Mentally Stable can fall victim to this type of Narcissism.
This is Narcissism at its true Core.
Narcissists truly do want to help. They truly do mean well. And their “help” debilitates, cripples, weakens, and destroys independence. In a matter of weeks, the Independent Entrepreneur who gratiously accepts aid, begins to fear their own freedom. They begin to fear their own responsibility and choices. They are filled with self-doubt. In a few moments, the Independent Entrepreneur is an invalid, incapable of making a choice without the “aid” of the Superhero.
The Superhero feels needed and joy. The Independent Entrepreneur feels good about making the Superhero feel good. “Oh! They seem to be happy when they help me! I’ll let them help me more even though I don’t need it!”
Helping the Superhero help you becomes your addiction. And the Superhero, who only feels satisfaction and purpose when they help others, quickly helps you more… It is an Addiction.
The more the Superhero Pygmalion gets their Addiction Fix of Helping the Independent Entrepreneur, the more the Independent Entrepreneur feels like they have helped the Superhero… and the more the Independent Entrepreneur feels incapable. Dependent.
Then the resentment builds.
Which leads to the Narcissism we all know and love to hate. The Stage #3 Damsel.
But it was the Stage #1 Superhero who made the Stage #3 Damsel.
In the next relationship, the Stage #1 Superhero will assume the role of Stage #2 Superhero and Stage #2 Damsel.
In the next relationship, the Stage #1 Superhero will have become Stage #3 Damsel who partners up with a Stage #1 Superhero.
And so the cycles repeats.
And it’s all in the Language used.
The Language hides the Emotional Rollercoaster, the Superhero, and the Superhero’s Secret Addiction: Addicted to Helping.
Narcissism: The Terror of Responsibility
This is really what sits at the core. The Addiction to Helping Others is a symptom of the Terror of Responsibility. The manipulation of Language is so severe that the Narcissist, Subconsciously hell-bent on avoiding Responsibility due to fear, will change and shape the language around themselves just to keep Responsibility off of them.
Buried under the Fear of Responsibility sits “The Terror of Abandonment.” This is steeped in Conditional Love. A belief that a person only is loved if and when they have “Value” and/or can be “Used” or “Useful” to others.
- Highly neglected childhood.
- Competitive Affection between siblings.
- Love Scarcity
This is what lies at the heart of Narcissism.
Two Types of Narcissism At The Same Time
This one… It’s as if Borderline Personality Disorder evolves into both sides of the same coin at the same time. The are both Superhero Stage #3 and Damsel Stage #3.
They parent with an iron fist “This is for your own good!” while they also play the invalid and cripple (My second husband limped around with crunches for 6 months while also playing the naive victim and claiming multiple broken bones as he terrorized my children with Psychological confessions with strategic beatings).
The Same Types of Narcissism Partnered
Sometimes, two Damsels partner up. Sometimes, two Superheroes partner up. I have been in both of these situations.
In the first example, we both sought to be enabled. We both sought to be helped. We both argued and battled for comfort from the other. We both took turns as the Superhero, each nurturing the Damsel in each other in turn.
“I need help.”
“No, I need help.”
“Well, I need help.”
“But I need help.”
“Fine! I’ll do it myself!”
In the second example, it was an entirely different situation. You’ve heard of “one-upping.” Two Superheroes partnered invents “one-downing.”
“No, I’ll do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’ve got it.”
“I’ll pay.”
“Let me do that.”
“I can help you.”
Every time he put me on a pedestal, I would climb down and put him on the pedestal. While the Damsel fights for the Limelight and the Pedestal, the Superheroes battle for Doormat and Servitude. The honored position of the Martyr.
“They Know What They Are Doing!”
No. They don’t. No. They do not. This is the paranoia talking. I lived with a Stage #3 Narcissist (Damsel) who terrorized my children with Domestic Terrorism.
No. He had no idea what he was doing.
He also did not love my children.
Stage #2 and Stage #3 Narcissists will insist that the Stage #3 and Stage #4 Narcissists “Know what they are doing!”
These Narcissists have confused Narcissism with “Unethical Loveless.”
Love is a Feeling (A Force) that can only be felt when you Know and are Aware of it. When you Accept it. If you don’t know what it feels like. If you cannot summon the Feeling or Imagine it, then you don’t know what it is.
If you associate Love with you having to do something or being a certain way, that is not love. Conditional Love is Slavery. Love is Freedom = to choose/be without Fear of X”
Conditional Love is a Transaction of Economic Trade where you are the Commodity and the “good” to be exchanged. We call this Slavery. To live without Freedom of Consequence. That is not love.
Love is to Value without profit or gain. To be known, Seen, and Vulnerable with someone and still be Accepted. Your cat loves you. Your dog loves you.
Narcissists who don’t know love mistake Unethical Lovelessness with Narcissism, which blinds them to Narcissism that can and does exist with Love and Ethics. The more Ethical a person becomes, the less Narcissism they develop.
Once a person is Ethical, all they need to do is learn the Language to be rid of it once and for all.
Inside The Narcissist Mind
It’s all in the Point of View.
- “I did.”
- “I am.”
- “I choose.”
- “I will.”
Practice using “I” statements.
“You” and “They” statements put you into 3rd Person Point of View Mindset, Accusation Mindset, and Paranoia Mindset.
On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being not at all), how comfortable are you with using “I” statements?
1 – 5 = Stage #1 or Stage #2
3 – 7 = Stage #2 or Stage #3 (Negotiating and excuses are used subtly to avoid “I” Statements)
7 – 10 = Stage #3 (Negotiating and excuses are used heavily to avoid “I” Statements)
Withdraw/Shut Down (Self-Destruct Mode) Type #1’s will be too comfortable using “I” statements.
Stage #4’s will strategically use “I” statements to hide who they really are: Unethical Loveless.
The more averse you are to the “I” statements the less likely you will resist the help to change. Usually, a “Point of Change” needs to occur before the Narcissist commits to the work that needs to be done. Self-Preservation is strongly tied to Narcissism in the Narcissist’s mind.
“I don’t want to be a Narcissist!”
Everyone hates Narcissists. And the Narcissist already struggles with “No one loves me or accepts me as I am!” So when the Narcissist learns that they are a Narcissist, it is “Game Over” for them. “Well! Now I KNOW no one will love me! And I thought life was hard before!”
To a Narcissist, the diagnoses of “Narcissism” is a death sentence.
Honestly, we all need to start forgiving Narcissists and supporting them. Loving them through this trial. But only if you are able to commit to that kind of a Healing Journey yourself.
The thing is… If you ever loved someone with Narcissism, it is because you also were a Narcissist yourself and most likely, still are.
Decide if you truly are willing to put your love with your mouth is because, if you are in love with a Narcissist, you both are going to require a lot of hard core truth to reset yourselves and see it through. You both have an Addiction to break. You both have a long road ahead of you.
However, this brings up another unpleasant subject that is always swept under the rug. If you are quick to leave them and not stick it through, was it ever really love to begin with or just an Emotional Prosthetic and… it is okay if you never did really love them to begin with. It’s also perfectly okay for you to move on if the Healing Journey is not one you are wanting to endure with them.
It is very much okay and encouraged to move on completely if the relationship is causing you more harm than good.
Love? Or Emotional Prosthetic?
I remember wanting my relationships to be true love. I wanted, more than ever, for my relationships to see through the tough times. But, after the Narcissist blinders were lifted, and the Mental Illness cleared up, I knew I never loved them. What I felt was a Trauma Bond, Relief that someone, anyone would want me. Settle? I aspired to Settle. I was taking anyone who would have me without pause or question because I craved the respite of abuse. Fear of not being wanted or loved is what drove my romantic pursuits. An Emotional Prosthetic to supplement what I was really missing: Self-Love, Self-Acceptance and a Belonging. A Community to call my own.
So many people stay in an abusive relationship because they don’t believe they can make it on their own. So many people pursue love because they feel unloved.
When it comes to the realization that you and your partner have Narcissism a difficult path lays before you. The ultimate mission? To sever the dependence, the manic panic of Possession In Fear, to end the Desperation and obsessed need to “Hold on” and remain vigilant of their affection because deep down you don’t believe anyone who knows you would ever truly love you or choose you, to find yourself solid, true, and free and fully independent of the need, while also leaving them alone and giving them the distance and the space for them to find their own true selves as well…
Knowing that when you walk through the journey you or they or both may emerge on the other side with one sudden clear truth: That the love you clung so desperately to them for was never real love to begin with. So then what were you clinging for? For what did you suffer and endure all of the pain and abuse with them?
The Fear that “If I let them go, I’ll see that none of it was ever real because I do trust our love so little.”
“But what about my promise to love them forever? What kind of a person am I if can’t uphold my eternal love vow?” My Ethic to honor my vows were my greatest burden. To prioritize myself in that case was to violate my Ethic of Honoring a vow. Self-Preservation, the First Ethic, must always take precedence above all other Ethics thereafter, for without Self-Preservation, the Self could perish.
What Kind Of A Narcissist Are You?
The questions that needs to be asked is:
- Are you a Trauma-Made Damsel?
- Are you a Narcissist-Born Damsel?
- Are you a Narcissist-Born Superhero?
- Are you an Addiction-Seeking Superhero?
Trauma-Made Damsel
The Trauma-Made Damsel at their core has no problem with the “I” of 1st Person. Reclaiming the “I” and their Responsibility will, in most cases be enough to resolve your trauma and also end the Narcissism. You have little to no Addiction or Need to “Help” or “Save” others. Be on the look out for “Serving” Others. That might be your bane.
Protect and Preserve your Responsibility. Do not ever let anyone save you. This is your weakness.
Change the Language. The Narcissist Language nurtures the Problem.
Narcissist-Born Damsel and Superhero
One could call this “Dry Narcissism.”
These are the people who have no problems with the “I” of 1st Person. They have no emotional problem stepping into Responsibility. In most cases, learning the Happy Healthy Mind language will be enough to resolve your problems. The Narcissist-Born Damsel and Narcissist-Born Superhero often attract other Narcissists and so end up with Trauma-Made Narcissism.
Protect and Preserve your Responsibility. Do not ever let anyone save you. Damsels, this is your weakness.
Do not help others. Do not serve others. Do not offer to save them. Superheroes, this is your weakness.
Change the Language. The Narcissist Language nurtures the Problem.
Addiction-Seeking Superhero
This is True Narcissism. It is a Symptom of poor parenting where Abandonment under Conditional Love is at the heart of the issue. Addiction needs to be managed with education and a plan while the real issue, a belief that you cannot be Accepted as you are without consequence.
Conditional Love is the problem.
If it is “conditional” then it was never Love.
True love is Unconditional Love.
Change the Language. The Narcissist Language nurtures the Problem.
The 12 Ethics resolves this.