I OF I OF I
I lived inside my head for 32 years… And oh, the things I learned in calling my mind Home… In 1988, I was so traumatized, that my “personalities” split, and I (My Core Self), was sentenced to a life of imprisonment inside of my own Subconsciousness. There, I would live for 32 years, completely unknown to my own “Host.”
A Host is Multiple Personality Disorder talk for “The Alter in Charge.” Psychologists changed the name of Multiple Personality Disorder to Dissociative Identity Disorder. But this is wrong. As one who lived with the Condition for 32 years, It was not my Personalities that split.
It was not Dissociative.
This reflects a great misunderstanding of the Human Mind and the Subconsciousness.
The correct name for this condition should be “Multiple Consciousness Disorder.”
It occurs when the Conscious Mind splits. And, because the Conscious Mind is unaware of the split, it is only capable of recollecting one Consciousness at a time. hence, the complete lack of awareness of the splits and the other Alters.
I had four Alternative Consciousness. And I, (My Core Self) spent 32 years enslaved by their fear while I watched them play out of my life for me. Inside my mind, by my own Alters and via the Insanity, abuse, and physical enslavement around me, my traumas had me walk away with 2 Triggers.
1 – Enslavement. Any lack of Freedom, no matter how small, launched me into a fit of hysterics.
2 – Logical Fallacy.
These two triggers became my saving grace. I was able to use both as metrics to determine the level of freedom and logic in my life. And these two triggers became my compass through insanity toward my freedom.
Desperate to obtain a life of both freedom and logic, I turned to Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, Music Theory, Physics, and the Ancient University of Alexandria. The Epicenter of Education, Learning, and Teaching in the Ancient World. This is my Alma Mater.
And my attendance there allowed me to uncover The Key to Human Learning, The Philosopher’s Compass, the List of Banned “God” Words, The Rorschach Print Perspective, and Triadic Healing, which translates The God Code into practical, applicable use.
With this knowledge, after 30 years of study, I was finally able to map out the Subconscious Mind, Master my maneuverability through it, and escape with all my working knowledge.
This is what I pass on to you.
If there is one thing I learned in attendance of Alexandria, it was how much the Human Mind learns through Play and Song and Story. From 1984 to 2023, Theater, Music, Dance, Composition, Literature, and writing were my muse, my sanctuary, my freedom, and my escape.
And so, without further Ado… I give you The Triadic Mind.
***
I OF I OF I
I shouldn’t exist. I am impossible. Yet here I am. When I’ve combed through the logic, so many times, the sanity adds up.
And more than ever, I can see the insanity of their wonderland.
I am their mirror of reality.
Just by existing and telling my story, their lies are exposed, and they unravel.
Oh, what is truth or reality or insanity but simple, clear undeniable logic.
And we have been lied to.
When a lie is told it weaves fabric of Imagination around it that then becomes a reality.
But this kind of textile weaving of reality is dependent upon logic.
For the detail and the butterfly effect, and the interconnectedness of it all is so intricate that to tell a simple single little lie would be to build a house of cards on sand.
And they have told great lies.
Their empire made of joker cards is falling down.
You can feel it.
You can sense it.
Oh, you know it.
Because we are logical beings.
To tell this story… I need Players for inside the Mind we are not One. We are Many. Nine of us make up Every One of us.
Three of Three of Three.
The first of these players are
Identity who Loves
(Identity walks on Stage from Stage Left)
Ego who Understands
(I OF I OF I takes Center Stage)
Intuition who Guides and who is also known as Instinct.
(Identity walks on Stage from Stage Right)
And so completes the first triad of the Internal Subconscious Mind.
The Second Triad of the Internal Superego… or the Subconscious Mind… The Subconscious Mind who only ever moves and acts with Logic and without Sentience.
(Superego enters Stage Right and stands Stage Right)
Bergen! The Defense who Defends
(Bergen takes Stage Right to the Left of Subconscious Mind)
Fear who Protects when Bergen is sleeping on the job.
(Fear enters Stage Right and stand to the Right of the Subconscious Mind)
BERGEN
Careful, lass…
I OF I OF I
So concludes the Second Triad. But one more Triad exists. One that navigates and dictates the Logic within our Minds.
The Goddess Imagination. Keeper of our Truth and Reality and The Lady of the Hour.
(Imagination enters Stage Left and stands Stage Left of I OF I OF I)
The You of I who points the way Home. Our Relativity.
(You of I enters Stage Left and stands between Imagination and I OF I OF I)
And They… Community. The External Support of I OF I OF I.
(THEY #1, THEY #2, and THEY #3 enters Stage Left and stands to the Left of Imagination)
I call this reverse engineering…
A single virus known as DOUBT infiltrates the THEY and the You of I.
(DOUBT enters Stage Right, very sneakily and steps evilly into the group of THEY)
And the You of I attacks Identity, strips away, the defense and challenges reality.
All before we are three years old
Fear is left. Ego is unaware. And subconscious mind has no choice but to take over.
War has begun
SUPEREGO turns on IDENTITY and destroys it
BERGEN
Och! God! Lass! Could you sound any dryer!?
I OF I OF I
Bergen the Bard… How would you tell this story?
With enough life but to keep them awake at least for the start of it.
I OF I OF I
I am the Author!
BERGEN
You think that lass, but YOU are putting them to sleep!
I OF I OF I
I am telling my story!
BERGEN
Lass–
I OF I OF I
(Interrupting)
Bergen–
BERGEN
(Interrupting)
You need–
I OF I OF I
(Interrupting)
WE CANNOT talk at the same time.
(Pause as they glare at each other)
I am Ego. You are Defense. We have ONE MOUTH BETWEEN US.
BERGEN
You insist on making us a Greek tragedy
I OF I OF I
(Abashed)
I happen to like Greek theater and I love Tradegies.
BERGEN
The Tragedy is your dry story telling!
I OF I OF I
Bergen!
BERGEN
Lass! Could we at least add some Irish Drinking Songs in here?
(They face off… Heaving. Standing down…)
(Gently)
you need me to tell the story with you Lass. You Canna’ do this alone. You donna’ have to.
I OF I OF I
(Complying)
I do.
The Madness. The chaos and the disorder. I’ve tried so many times to tell them. To show them. To speak.
IMAGINATION
You are not alone anymore, your Highness.
I OF I OF I
(Looks to Imagination imploringly)
I was alone. For so long. These players all in my head. Some screaming.
(A spotlight shines on Identity)
IDENTITY
I was forgotten. THEY took my Voice from me. THEY took my Name from me. THEY took my SELF from me.
(INTUITION takes IDENTITY by the hand in comfort)
YOU OF I
(Defensively)
We didn’t know!
(SUPEREGO mimes the action of taking the words of THEY and inserting them mindlessly into a machine. SUPEREGO is to never speak. From the audience, SUPEREGO appears to be processing an assembly line with FIVE compartments)
THEY
We just followed the orders.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
YOU OF I
They told us to!
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
I OF I OF I
(Looking at the Audience)
And that… is precisely the problem.
BERGEN
Ugh! When will you ever think for yourself?
IDENTITY
(To YOU OF I and THEY)
I was everything I ever wanted. I was whole. I was free. I was complete. I was happy. INTUITION and I danced through IMAGINATION. We weren’t hurting anybody.
THEY
You showed us what we lost.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
YOU OF I
You reminded us.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
THEY
Of what we could not have for ourselves.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
YOU OF I
Of what we could not be for ourselves.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
THEY
It was agreed that we would all be the same.
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing)
IDENTITY
I didn’t want that for me! I was happy! I could have anything I ever wanted! I wanted music and theater and life! I wanted to be happy! I wanted to go on adventures and explore the world!
YOU OF I
You watch yourself now!
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing and FEAR lifts his head, suddenly alert)
BERGEN
(Angry. His hand on his sword)
Hey! You do not threaten my Lady!
THEY
And you! Shut your mouth!
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing and Fear watches, alert, and at the ready. INTUITION pulls at IDENTITY away from the fighting as if to protect her)
BERGEN
I will not say again!
YOU OF I
(Strikes BERGEN. BERGEN takes a knee. Silent. His head bowed)
SHUT UP!
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing and mimes hitting a BUTTON as if activating FEAR. FEAR screams, tearing across the stage toward IDENTITY)
FEAR
(Panicking)
Oh my god! What is happening!
(SUPEREGO mimes data processing while FEAR shuts down IDENTITY who is bound and gagged, pulled away from INTUITION, And forced to Take a knee beside BERGEN. THEY and YOU OF I bound and gag IMAGINATION and put her on the ground, taking a knee with IDENTITY and BERGEN. YOU OF I and THEY return to their place at Stage Right. FEAR looks about, paranoid, looking for problems on stage. Looking at every Player in turn as if looking for a problem. SUPEREGO mimes silently away. INTUITION stands silent, her head down, loyally looking at IDENTITY as if waiting for a signal.)
I OF I OF I
And so the screaming begins. Who am I? I’ve lost my Identity. My Name? Where she is? My Voice… Bergen? Imagination? I don’t what’s real. I don’t… I need them to know who I am. I need them to know what I am. I need them to…
(Looks around. Confused. FEAR takes I OF I OF I by the hand and pulls her toward YOU OF I and THEY)
Who am I?
YOU OF I
You shouldn’t have done that. You’re worthless. Can’t you do anything right? What you need are some new friends…
(Introducing and gesturing Stage Right)
Guilt.
(GUILT enters Stage Right repeating YOU OF I’s words over and over in a whisper)
GUILT
(Taking I OF I OF I by the hand and speaking in a normal voice)
You shouldn’t have done that. You’re worthless. Can’t you do anything right?
I OF I OF I
(Dejected and Confused)
I didn’t mean to. I… I thought… I’m so confused…
YOU OF I
That’s because you’re stupid. You’re not smart. You’re weak. You’re not good enough. You’re insane. You’re imagining it. You need another friend. Doubt.
(DOUBT enters Stage Right repeating YOU OF I’s words over and over in a whisper)
DOUBT
(Taking I OF I OF I by the hand and speaking in a normal voice)
You’re not smart. You’re weak. You’re not good enough. You’re insane. You’re imagining it.
(FEAR continues to examine each and every interaction for Signs of Panic).
I OF I OF I stands frozen Center Stage as GUILT and DOUBT whisper the words constantly into I OF I OF I’s ears, holding her hands.
SUPEREGO feverishly mimes data away, keeping FEAR pacing frantically on stage.
YOU OF I and THEY gossip loudly from Stage Right
YOU OF I
Not good for anything.
THEY
Shouldn’t speak.
YOU OF I
Shouldn’t talk.
THEY
Needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.
YOU OF I
Stupid.
THEY
Needs to learn her place.
(The Scene Freezes. Lights Dim.)
I OF I OF I
(Releases the hands of GUILT and DOUBT who don’t move as if I OF I OF I is still there between them. A single Spotlight falls on I OF I OF I takes several steps forward and addresses the Audience)
You know this scene. You all have lived it haven’t you. So did I. (Tearing up) Over and over and over in my mind… and out. How long did it last for you? Ten years? Twenty? Forty? Still?
You are not One.
(Indicating all who are present on stage)
You are Multiple. You are Identity, Imagination, Intuition… who waits in silent slumber awaiting the command of your Identity. Defense rests. Fear prowls. Guilt and Doubt hover forever over you repeating the lessons of YOU OF I and THEY while your SUPEREGO processes the data away, constructing your new reality to the liking of the insanity and the abuse of Others.
You are six Within. And Three Without. And still. There are more.
***
My story was slightly different than this.
(Behind I OF I OF I, BERGEN stands and pantomimes a sword fight between THEY and YOU OF I. FEAR draws his full attention around the fight, growing more and more panicked with the fight)
I fought for eight years. Seeing the worst of my horrors at four years old, which only ignited my determination and ferocity. So that, in 1988, When I finally rose up, taking on more FEAR than I or FEAR or BERGEN could handle, my SUPEREGO and FEAR decided instead to hide me. So, they broke ME, The Conscious Awareness, into TWO.
(JOANNA enters Stage Left. Giving the air of an elite, New York City, Pianist and ballet dancer dressed in Chic Black)
It was then that I first lost a piece of my Identity. And then again in 1995…
(KALLAN enters Stage left. Dressed as a BDSM Mistress and stands beside I OF I OF I)
And on 9/11 BERGEN lost the battle and at long last, I conformed.
(BERGEN takes a knee back in his place with IDENTITY. YOU OF I and THEY sheath their swords)
YOU OF I
No one loves you.
THEY
No one can live with you
YOU OF I
You are so hard to love
THEY
Slut
YOU OF I
Whore
I OF I OF I
In 2006, BERGEN reappeared. This time, as an Alter, My protector.
(BERGEN joins KALLAN and JOANNA)
I watched all of this enfold. Philosophy, Logic, unraveled my mind. Psychology. Music. Physics. Logic cleared a solid path through this insanity. The YOU OF I and the THEY’s in my life came
(YOU OF I and THEY exit STAGE LEFT as YOU OF I #2 and THEY #2 take their place.
and left and changed and left again….
(YOU OF I #2 and THEY #2 exit STAGE LEFT as YOU OF I #3 and THEY #3 take their place at I OF I OF I’s side in loving support)
Until the words MY YOU OF I and THEY spoke unto me were of peace and love and joy. With their words, and with my Logic, it all led me back to Me.
(IDENTITY raises her head. I OF I OF I approaches her)
Who are you?
IDENTITY
You don’t know me?
I OF I OF I
I shake my head. Are you the one who always screams inside my head?
IDENTITY
You didn’t listen. You didn’t hear me. I needed to be seen. I needed to be known. Look at me.
I OF I OF I
Who are you?
IDENTITY
What year is it?
I OF I OF I
2015
IDENTITY
(Gasps)
32 Years? Who are they?
(Pointing to YOU OF I #3 and THEY #3)
I OF I OF I
They are YOU OF I and THEY. My Compass. My Ethical point of Relativity. My new community who supports me. So that I could now find you.
IDENTITY
How do I even get out of this? I’m just me.
BERGEN
No, lass. You have me.
I OF I OF I
And Me.
KALLAN
Me.
JOANNA
Me.
YOU OF I
And me.
IMAGINATION
I am here, love.
INTUITION
And I. For you. Always.
IDENTITY
(Points to FEAR and DOUBT and GUILT and THEY)
But they are so strong! And what is he (Indicating SUPEREGO) doing over there anyway!?
SUPEREGO
(Stops processing and stands)
I am Processing. I take all the data that EGO
(I OF I OF I bows)
receives throughout the day and night. Be it Information from Outside sources like YOU OF I and THEY and I hand that Data over to The FEAR System or the DEFENSE System. The FEAR System turns my data into GUILT or DOUBT. The DEFENSE System turns the data into Confidence and Security.
IDENTITY
Wait! So I have GUILT and DOUBT because of FEAR?
SUPEREGO
(That’s right)
IDENTITY
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?
BERGEN
He has no choice, lass. You lost your DEFENSE when they took your Voice and your Knowing away from you. I wasn’t here to Defend. Fear had to take over to keep you safe.
IDENTITY
(To SUPEREGO)
So you only process data from outside sources that come in from YOU OF I or THEY?
SUPEREGO
Not only. I also process data from EGO and IDENTITY. The Negative or Positive data creates a negative or positive mindset. It all depends on what you give me.
IDENTITY
So it’s… Us… Me, EGO,
BERGEN
And Defense
IDENTITY
Against… GUILT, DOUBT, FEAR, YOU OF I, and THEY?
SUPEREGO
Not always. YOU OF I and THEY can be allies… IF EGO chooses better Allies.
IDENTITY
(To EGO)
Why wouldn’t you choose better allies?
I OF I OF I
It depends on the behavior SUPEREGO programs into me… But mostly… it depends on how AWARE I am of the situation. The moment an EGO becomes AWARE of the machinations of the subconscious Mind, the EGO gains the power of CHOICE. But they have to KNOW.
Which is why I upgraded our YOU OF I and THEY.
IDENTITY
What is this place?
I OF I OF I
This is the Subconscious Mind. Each one of you has a role, an agenda, and a purpose. My agenda, my purpose is to PURSUE HAPPINESS. My role is to captain and manage this operation. To ensure the balance, the alignment, and the smooth operation of the Mind.
SUPEREGO
I build the Perspective that determines your Mindset. My agenda is to keep you safe. No matter what. And I have the power to override everything within the mind, including running a mutiny against the Captain.
I OF I OF I
Which he did. Which is what happens when we suffer from memory loss. The SUPEREGO witholds information from us to keep us safe.
IDENTITY
And what am I?
I OF I OF I
You are everything the Unit loves. You are everything the Unit desires, dreams, and hopes for. You have the Agenda of Defining the Self. Your role is to Know who we are so that SUPEREGO can process the Perspective required off of what you love, what you value, and what you believe.
Defense protects the Unit from invasive data that can harm the Perspective and Fear is the antibodies that acts when invasive data gets inside the unit.
I OF I OF I
Oh! He is the best part! See, while you were buried in here for 32 years, I…
JOANNA
and I
KALLAN
and I
BERGEN
and I
I OF I OF I
All studied Philosophy, Psychology, and Sociology for 30 years. He… Is Processing! And HE is our ticket out of here!
IDENTITY
How?
I OF I OF I
Easy Peasy! Here is the plan!
Superego processes all the data we receive inside of our mind and punches it into our Cognitive Core!
BERGEN
Our Mind.
I OF I OF I
Right! Creating whatever Reality we live in,
IMAGINATION
Desire
KALLAN
Dream up
JOANNA
Fantasize
I OF I OF I
And making it into our next reality!
BERGEN
He is processing the data in our mind to create our mindset.
I OF I OF I
Exactly! So! All we need to do is FEED the Superego YOU! And Your Ethics! And Your Beliefs!
KALLAN
And your Name.
I OF I OF I
And the New Mindset, the correct mindset will form for you!
IDENTITY
But what about them?
(Indicates FEAR and GUILT and DOUBT)
BERGEN
That’s where I come in!
I OF I OF I
Bergen is the Boundary.
IMAGINATION
And I soothe Fear
JOANNA
(Looking worried)
Wait a moment…
I OF I OF I
And then it all balances itself out!
FEAR
Now wait! Just a MINUTE! You can’t just go in here and change things!
I OF I OF I
Why not?
FEAR
Because… Because well no one does that! It isn’t done!
DOUBT
That’s right. You can’t do it. you can’t…
BERGEN
Why not?
FEAR
Because I’ve… LOOK WHAT I’VE BUILT HERE! You can’t just go in and tear it down!
(Everyone looks around)
I OF I OF I
Oh, you mean, the crippling Fear?
BERGEN
Crushing Self-Doubt
I OF I OF I
The constant Guilt keeping me in check
BERGEN
The enslavement through Fear?
I OF I OF I
Domestic terrorism?
BERGEN
Is that the job you’re referring to
FEAR
(About to cry. Fear looks to Joanna as if seeking advice)
IMAGINATION
Joanna.
JOANNA
(Tears up)
I wasn’t safe. They hurt me.
IMAGINATION
They did. Yes. But we have Boundaries now. And Voice. And Strength.
JOANNA
I was alone. Just me. For so long. You… I just wanted you safe. I just wanted…
IMAGINATION
You are safe now.
BERGEN
Lass. You are not alone anymore. You never were.
JOANNA
(Wipes her tears)
Alright… How does this work?
I OF I OF I
Awesome! Processing is how data, both external and internal, get entered into the mind to form a new Perspective…
IMAGINATION
Imagination.
BERGEN
But it must be based off of the Core Program!
JOANNA
Which is…?
FEAR AND DOUBT AND GUILT
(Together)
ME!
IDENTITY
No. (Standing forward). Me. I am the Core Program. Right. But… I don’t know how.
I OF I OF I
Simple, love. Remember what you love.
IDENTITY
Love?
(Tries to remember and looks around and everyone…)
I don’t remember.
JOANNA
I do.
You loved Piano, Theater, Song, and Dance. You love New York City and Opera and Ballet.
BERGEN
You loved adventure and parties and people. You love Guinness! And Smoking and women!
I OF I OF I
No… Bergen. That’s you.
IDENTITY
Actually…
IMAGINATION
You loved