This is not a “Dear NIMH” kind of letter, but, I found it to be quite relevant in my on-going research.
Joy from my work comes to me two-fold.
There is the work I see in my Self that leaves me nodding with affirmation saying, “Okay. This is it.”
And there is the change and relief I see in others when they apply my methods and theories to their own lives.
I am burnt out.
I’m too tired to think, but I can’t stop working. I raced through my healing realizing that my relationship was on the line. Realizing that, “If I don’t fix this soon, I’ll lose him.”
I don’t know if I lost him. I don’t know if… I don’t know.
I’m sitting here, too tired to think. So I close my eyes and just feel the emotions swirling and moving in around me.
A friend has invited me to the theater this evening. I’m fantasizing about going to the spa. I’m wondering if sleep or TV is what I need.
I put my head back and just feel.
I observe.
I shut down the words. I feel the worry and fear in my mind.
“That’s grief from the recent break up…”
I feel sad.
“That’s loss of dreams. Loss of a future I wanted. Loss of… there was so much I wanted to do with him that I never got to do. Other things that I never got to do enough of. There was just so much… pain and trauma and… Now that I’m healthy and better, I’m ready to celebrate. I’m ready to do all those things… And he’s no longer here to do them. And that just hurts.”
I write out all those words and take some deep breaths.
My body aches. It’s sore. I need Self-Care.
“I’m a Controller. Which means I need to DO to soothe. I need to comfort my Self.”
I think about what I can do and think of the theater tonight.
I like him. He’s the pianist there. But then I think about the pending possibilities and my stomach clenches.
“That’s my Intuition saying, No.”
Listen to the gut. If it says No, then it’s a No.
I sign onto Facebook and the Energy there hits me and I’m drained.
“No people,” I say. I need to isolate and be alone.
I need water. I think about going to the beach, and I feel the longing in my gut.
Intuition. Definitely yes to the water.
I think again of the spa and the oils there. The shower. And I decide.
A few weeks ago, I didn’t know to listen to my Intuition. I didn’t know to acknowledge, validate, then settle the emotions with a brief session.
Comfort.
Security.
Safety.
I see now how very different I am. And how I’m finally claiming that. I have no clan to call my own. I’m not meant to have a clan to call my own. I’ll be spending the rest of my life, shielding and shutting out others to limit and manage how much attention I get.
I like the blogging. The Podcast. It lets people learn from me. They can get close. And it doesn’t hurt or drain me.
Pain.
Loss. That is my love… My VIP… And feeling… I have no idea how to fit a lover or partner into this life.
I try to imagine ANYONE else in that position.
Confusion. Fog clouds my Cognitive Function.
“No!” The Universe says.
I imagine a different future. One where my love and I have found our place. I am beside him. He is off… I am meant to be alone.
“No!” The Universe says.
“Oh, okay!” I imagine him there with me, and the confusion clears.
The panic and fear vanish.
And he’s there.
I love that I can just sit here, listen to my body working and moving and interacting with the elements around me… and I know EACH AND EVERY flux, feeling, emotion… and I know what it means, where it comes from, and why.
And I feel like now, I’m just exhausted because I am a week away from being raped. I am just recovering from Retrograde.
The spa it is.