I recall those early therapy days.
The emotion was intense, hot, painful, and raw. It was chaos. I cried and screamed so much and for so long. Like every part of my subconscious bled. There is a process. An order of things. Every process is different. That’s the problem. The Psychological System today is built on a one-size-fits-most mentality. And this doesn’t work.
I knew what I needed. I had done the work. I was in therapy. I was committed to giving it my all. Whole heart. Everything I had became consumed with Trauma Recovery.
Emotional Management Plan.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Meditation.
Grounding Techniques.
Journalling. Good god, the journalling saved my life in those early days.
I wish I had known to use Gratitude. That, I would have changed.
And the outline. I had no idea what “the end” would look like. I had no idea “where” I was going and for how long.
These questions don’t have answers. This is a journey. There are stages.
Stage #0 – Determination Stage. This sometimes happens inside the Trauma. When you develop the passion to fight for yourself. You seek to change your reality while under going the abuse. You choose to get yourself out. (1995 – Present)
Stage #1 – The Victim Stage. It’s the role a person is forced into when they are under the control of their abuser. (1980 – 2015)
Stage #2 – The Pre-Trauma Recovery Stage. This is the Awakening. The moment you realize all the things you told yourself to try and understand your situation finally comes with one huge blow, YOU have a MENTAL ILLNESS and that the perspective you thought was yours is actually all the lies your were told by your abuser. (2015)
This stage quickly gives way to a second part of Stage #2, Depression. It’s the point where you’ve accepted that you’re sick and that your own perspective can’t be trusted. So you turn to the help of others to guide you through right and wrong. Good or bad. Reality vs. Gaslighting. But it can feel hopeless.
Stage #3 – The Fire in your Eyes Stage. This is my favorite stage. It’s the moment you become resolved to fight through this, and win. The day after my son’s therapist told me, “One day, you will…” The day I imagined a different future, I woke the next morning with Fire in my Eyes. I would take this on. I would win. (2015)
This is the stage, I teach others to repeat.
Stage #4 – Endurance. This is the stage where the techniques you learn from therapy become your mastery. This is the Shadow Work. The days you spend kicking down doors in the Mind Maze and fighting Monsters, comforting the child, celebrating, and taking in the change. Absorbing the shift in Perspective. The next day, you do it again. Another door. Another Monster. (2015 – 2020)
You get so good at this, you can do it in your sleep. And you’re still not through. You do most of this work alone between your therapy sessions.
Stage #5 – Empowerment – Now that most of the monsters are cleared, now that you’re feeling less fear and more confidence, you start to feel safe. Deep down. This is the stage where your Self, all the parts of you, start to come out. Things inside of you start waking up, and you feel and experience new feelings and emotions. New thoughts. New Confidences. Things and more wake up and you are overwhelmed with the passion to just go. You feel empowered.
This is the period I refer to as my Walkabout. This is when I backpacked through New York City. (2019 – July 2021)
Stage #6 – The Revival – This is the stage where you begin to find all the parts of you. You unite with your childhood self, and you learn to play again. If you have Multiples, this is the part where you begin to unite. You are united with all of your Self and you learn and appreciate Self-Love. (July 2021 – 16 February 2023)
And this is the part where you start to find casualties. This is where you start to see what physical handicaps you have developed from your trauma. This is one of the hardest pills to swallow.
Stage #7 – The Transmutation of Trauma – This is the stage where, looking back, you finally settle into and embrace your perspective of what happened to you, and what was done to you. And you accept it. You process it and you finally say, “Okay. That happened.” And this is who I am. And you use your trauma as ingredients to do good. Hence, The Healing Garden.
The Healing Garden is my trauma, made into something good. Because it had to mean something. Otherwise, it happened for nothing. And that’s not good enough for me.