“I imagine,” Imagination flashed a small smile, “it is because your Narcisstic Abuse Syndrome, your Relationship abuse, and your slavery threaten you where Number #1 is concerned, because he can hurt you. Raven was never in a position to hurt me. Ever.”
I re-read the lines again.
“But when your conditioning turned on,” Kallan continued. “the symptoms that come with the conditioning also turned on…”
“And it overshadowed and buried the love,” finished Joanna.
“Exactly,” said Kallan.
“So,” Bergen said. “The disruption that we need to conduct for ‘Slave Mind’ or the Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome isn’t for the triggered symptom…”
“It’s the Conditioning,” Joanna concluded. “It’s the threat of being hurt! That is the trigger!”
“That’s it!” Shouted Joanna jumping from the table. “Do you know what this means!?”
She ran her hands through her hair. Tears streaked her face.
“It means, when I fix this, then I’ll be able to have a normal, healthy, relationship! I can have relationships! This!”
Joanna pointed at the words on the page.
“This is the thing in my head that has been keeping me crazy about love! Not love! Relationships! The Visibility! I can fix this! Bergen! Imagination! Kallan! Angel! Angela! Hell, Jerry! I can fix this! We can have relationships and find love and…”
“Redefine everything,” Bergen said. “The old terms won’t serve you where you’re going.”
“No,” Joanna agreed. “They won’t.”
“Number #1 isn’t going anywhere,” Imagination said. “He doesn’t want hurt and he doesn’t want you to leave. Anna. You cannot fuck this up again. If he breaks one more time…”
“We need to turn down his discomfort,” Joanna said.
“By being a safe space,” Kallan said.
“It’s the fucking PTSD all over again,” Joanna said. “It’s Narcissist PTSD that was hidden under the PTSD! Oh! Oh, I can fix this! Right! We’ll prioritize Number #1’s safety. I need to learn to get this under control and CBT this shit while we keep him safe. His safety is the primary concern. He must be soothed and heal.”
“He’s an Avoidant,” said Imagination. “His solitude will heal him. He knows how to heal alone. It’s people that make him nervous.”
“Exposure therapy,” said Joanna. “After I’ve mastered this particular strain of PTSD. God this is so wonderful! THIS, I can do!”
“You’re getting ahead of yourself, lass,” Bergen said. “You’ve not done it yet.”
“Right,” Joanna agreed. “I’ll need meditation. Every morning. I have the theory. Pause. Stop. Redirect.”
“You know what the Catalyst looks like now,” Imagination reminded Joanna.
“I do,” she said. “When next I feel the anxiety, panic, and fear, I’ll pause and consult the list.”
- Drugs. (Meth. Heroine. Coke.)
- Morally corrupt behavior that hurts the self, others, or society.
- A refusal to work on the relationship
- A refusal to work on the Self
- Hitting Me
- Violence
- Character Assassination AKA Name-Calling
- Narcissism
Anna copy-pastes the list from the previous chapter.
“If I can consult that list and confirm that those things are not being done,” Joanna said. “Then I will KNOW it’s my PTSD. My Slave Mind.”
“And when he sleeps with another woman, lass?” Bergen asked.
Joanna’s back stiffened. “His pleasure is my pleasure.”
“And when he choses time with her over you?” Bergen asked.
Joanna’s body face fell white. “This is me craving the Visibility.”
“Because,” Bergen said.
“Because I will think his choosing her over me means I am a slave again,” Joanna said.
“And there is the connection!” Bergen said, slamming his hand on the table. “Which means…” he said pointing a finger at Joanna.
“That I associate not being “chosen” with being a slave and my freedom is suddenly at risk,” Joanna said.
“There it is, lass!” Bergen said again, slamming the table.
“And him not answering your texts,” Kallan challenged.
“Is my feeling Invisible. I feel like a slave again,” Joanna said.
“And him pushing you away,” Bergen said.
“Is my mother pushing me away, back on the shelf. It triggers my slave mind,” Joanna said.
“Which means,” Imagination said. “Your mantra for this PTSD recovery is…”
Joanna grinned. “You are free. You are SEEN. You are Visible.”
“Which is why you say it,” Kallan said.
They all looked toward her.
“I See you,” Kallan said. “That’s why you say it to everyone. Because you wish someone would say it to you.”
“I had the wrong mantra,” Joanna said. “I kept saying ‘you are safe.’ But safe isn’t free. Safe isn’t Seen. I know I’m safe.”
“42 years,” Bergen said.
“8 years of therapy,” Imagination said. “We are near the end.”
“Say it, Joanna,” Kallan said.
“I am free. I am Seen. I am Visible.”
“Again,” Bergen said.
“I am free,” Joanna said. “I am Seen. I am Visible.”
“Over and over,” Bergen said. “Meditate on this daily. Separate ‘love’ from Visibility. It is not the same thing.”
“Right,” said Joanna. “I am free. I am Seen. I am Visible.”
“When you go to sleep at night,” Imagination said. “Fall asleep with that mantra. Eat it. Breathe it. Drink it.”
“I am Seen,” Joanna said. “I am Visible.”
“It’s so simple, isn’t it,” Imagination said. “The power of words trumps the abuse. That’s why name-calling hurts so much.”
“You know,” Joanna said. “The beatings were easy. The rapes were easy. Those attacks went after my body and safety. But the names they called me. The things that were said to me… Words are the weapons against the subconscious. While guns, knives, fists, and rape are the weapons against the body. The body heals. It endures. It’s tough. But ‘crazy,’ ‘dramatic,’ ‘slut,’ ‘you should have been a boy…’ Those words to my subconscious is what twisted my perspective and hurt me so much more than any beating I got from my brother.”
“Words caused the damage,” Imagination said. “And words will heal you. Again.”
“I am Seen. I am Visible,” Joanna said. “I am Seen. I am Visible.”
“It’s just a matter of finding the right words,” Imagination said.
“I am Safe,” Bergen mused. “That was the beatings. ‘I am Free.’ That was the rapes. ‘I am Seen. I am Visible…’ That is the Narcissism Abuse.”
“Is there any others we should cover while we are here?” Kallan asked.
Wide-eyed, they all looked around.
“What else does she suffer from?” Imagination asked.
They all looked at Joanna.
“Well,” she said. “Why not?”
“Running,” she blurted out a moment later.
Bergen nodded. “Running.”
“That’s your flight kicking in from the perceived rejection,” Kallan said.
“Rejection,” Bergen said.
“Count them, Joanna,” Imagination said. “Get the fire in your eyes, lass.”
The fire in Joanna’s eyes did spark just then.
“Right,” she said and got to work.
- Rejection.
- Running.
- Neglect.
- Silence.
- Being Ignored.
- Unknowns.
- Withdrawing
“Oh, my god…” Bergen said, sitting back in his chair. “An Avoidant is just a walking land mine for you, isn’t it? No wonder you’re firing off at your Imp King left and right.”
“Right,” Joanna said. “We’re fixing this.”
- Being Thrown Away
“Name what they did to you, lass,” Bergen said. “Call it something else.”
“Narcissism,” Joanna said.
“And we know Number #1 is not a Narcissist,” Bergen said.
“No,” Joanna said. “He’s an Avoidant.”
“And the difference is…” Bergen said.
“Motive,” Joanna said.
“So when Number #1 acts like a Narcissist, you will…” Bergen said.
“Review the list. Remind myself that he is an Emotionally Unavailable Avoidant who uses distance to protect himself,” Joanna said.
“Wouldn’t it just be easier to dump him?” Kallan blurted.
All heads turned toward Kallan.
“I know you all think he’s great, but… what do we get out of this?” Kallan asked.
Joanna straightened in her seat.
“You have never liked Number #1 because he refuses to be your little bitch. He is the only man who has not kneeled, bowed, and begged at your feet,” Joanna said. “And for that, you hate him. But this is the closest I have ever been to being safe enough, healthy enough to expose myself to the symptoms of Narcissism without actually being near a Narcissist, which means I can apply carefully planned out Exposure Therapy purposely, in a controlled and safe atmosphere, trigger my Narcissist PTSD, which will allow me to interrupt, redirect, and resolve in two weeks times! So, Kallan, this is the closest I have ever been to being healed. To being healthy, and I am NOT giving up this chance to learn how to manage relationships when I have come so close, worked so hard, done so much, now will you shut up! Humble down! And stop telling me to leave the only man who has ever shown me gentleness, love, and kindness!”
“Well said, Lass!” Bergen said, applauding.
“You see it,” Imagination said to Anna.
“I do,” Anna said out loud.
“What?” Bergen asked.
“Kallan is a Narcissist,” Anna said.
“Well, fuck,” said Joanna.
Kallan raised her head. Alert. Arrogant.
“You,” Joanna said. “You would have me think that I carried the brunt of our mental illnesses! You BITCH!”
Joanna lunged, and every one was up. Kallan backed against the wall.
“You stayed silent! Knowing! The whole damn time!” Joanna screamed.
“Joanna,” Imagination said. “If she has Narcissism, then we are inside her mind… to find out how to reverse it.”
Silence.
“Kallan?” Imagination asked.
“I can’t afford to be humble,” she said. “That’s when they’ll kick you.”
“The Reader needs to know,” said Bergen. “Damn! Amnesia… she’s keeping something from us.”
“Kallan,” Imagination said. “We need that information in your head.”
“Dialectical!” Joanna shouted as she remembered.
“Right!” Bergen said. “Reader. This dialogue we have been engaged in is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It combines with…”
“I’m triggered,” said Joanna. “I feel it.”
“You are Seen, Joanna,” Imagination soothed. “You are Visible.”
“It’s overloaded,” Bergen said. “The Anna System is overloaded.”
“We need Meditation,” said Imagination.
“It’s being so close to a Narcissist,” Joanna said. “I’ve been… triggering… myself…”
“I’ll not go back,” Kallan said. “I’ll not…”
“Kallan,” Imagination said. “Do you want to change this?”
“You don’t think I can! None of you think… You quit on Narcissists!”
“Joanna? How are you, sweetheart?”
“Better,” said Joanna. “I am Seen. I am Visible. He Sees me. He Sees me. He Sees me.” Joanna started to rock.
“Oh, no. Lass…” Bergen went to Joanna and took her in his arms. “Eye contact, love. Look at me.”
Joanna looked into Bergen’s eyes. “We See you. We See you. The whole world Sees you, lass.”
“No one saw me,” Joanna sobbed. “No one saw. They all looked past me. I was invisible. They didn’t bother to see all I had to endure. They didn’t know about the abortion. They didn’t know about the torture. They didn’t know that I cut my wrists! I was invisible.”
“Not any more, Joanna,” Bergen said. “We See you. You are Seen. Your Highness. Can we… have we ever met without Joanna present?”
They looked from one to another.
“She’s the host,” Imagination said. “We’ve never…”
“Joanna is always here,” Kallan said, darkly.
“So if we are going to pull apart the mind a Narcissist,” Bergen said. “Then it will have to be with Joanna present.”
“You’re assuming, I want help.”
They all looked at Kallan.
“What does it feel like being you, Kallan? What does all of this feel like to you?” Imagination asked.
“Hopeless. Hate. Darkness,” Kallan said. “You all talk about being out of the Darkness. You never stopped to wonder if we all made it out. Joanna took the brunt of the abuse, but not all of it. I was born from the worst of it. How bad did things have to get for Joanna before I showed up to take the worst of it. What do you think happened to me? The abuse didn’t break me. It made me.”
“Kallan,” Joanna said. “You don’t have to be this way.”
Kallan scoffed. “Don’t I!? Oh, it’s you now who looks to talk of unicorns and rainbows? You’ve come so far little one.”
“What do you gain, being like this?” Bergen asked.
“There is no love for me,” Kallan said. “Where do you think those words come from? I am unloveable! I am unwanted! So if I want love, I have to take it because no one in their right mind wants me.”
“Dialectical,” Bergen said to Imagination who nodded.
“To think, all this time,” Joanna said. “You were the confident one. You were the one everyone wanted more than any of us here. More than Imagination. Certainly not me. No one wanted me.”
“Number #1 didn’t,” Kallan said.
“And you wanted him to. Didn’t you, lass,” Bergen said.
“What I want doesn’t matter! None of this matters!” Kallan said.
“We want to be whole,” Joanna said. “We want to be healthy and happy. You can’t be happy while you’re clinging onto this.”
“I don’t want this any other way,” Kallan said.
“Kallan,” Joanna said. “The Anna System.”
Kallan’s shoulders dropped.
“It’s hurting The Anna System,” Joanna said.
“Self-Love,” Imagination said. “It is the Narcissist’s weak point. “Self-preservation.”
“Narcissism is just a defense,” Joanna said. “It’s you holding onto this belief that you need to hold, control, manipulate, and hoard, just to get a fraction of the power you crave to feel. That if you can control the people around you, you can prevent being hurt. So much easier than boundary building.”
“Do you know what Narcissism feels like, Kallan?” Imagination asked. “Because, we all do. It’s the constant vigilance of suspecting everyone and everything. It’s paranoia. Constant. It’s always looking over your shoulder. It’s micro-managing everyone in your life and keeping constant track of their actions. What’s being said. Who’s doing what. Who’s saying what. It’s PTSD on steroids only, instead of controlling your environment, you’ve got to control the people too. Everyone has to follow a script written by you so you feel safe. And the moment anyone steps outside of your script, you view that slip as danger. Constant vigilance. Constant control. You enslave those around you all to ensure your safety.”
“Yeah,” Kallan whispered.
“It’s the using people,” Joanna said. “People aren’t for using.”
“Kallan,” Bergen said. “Baby steps. What if you could feel safe and be safe and be free without the need to control?”
“The war is over, Kallan. You made it,” said Imagination. “You can lower the defenses.”
“I wasn’t Seen either. I wasn’t Visible,” Kallan said. “They changed my story too.”
“So tell your story,” Joanna said.
“Ha!” said Bergen. “I know why we are drawn to Avoidant’s. The have similar traits to our ‘Masters.’ And Avoidant acts like a Narcissist, but for entirely different reasons.”
“Guys,” Joanna said. “Anna is tired. She needs sleep.”