Shifting my perception once, freed me from that Owner’s perspective, but it did not free me from all the others.
No. What I did that day was the first of what would be hundreds of Perspective Shifts. It would be years before I applied the technique and would do it again.
The rape on 9/11 was substantial. I didn’t know it then, but already that trauma went to work on my mind. Jerry was taking over, and I was sinking fast into the Fear centers of my mind.
Social anxiety took over my life. Fear had seeped into every avenue of my existence. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t be.
In one way, I was safe and free. I sank into the comfort of a monogamous marriage and hid behind my first husband.
I felt my mind take over. My husband would trigger me. He wouldn’t know how to manage my mental illnesses that neither of us knew I had. His actions would trigger my PTSD. I would launch into a full mental break down. His solution would be to lock me in a bedroom or the bathroom and block the door like a bouncer. Waiting and watching until my episode passed.
***
There is the trigger. I feel it back. I need to take a break from the writing. Revisiting this brings it all back. I need to stay in the present and give myself some self-love. I’m scared. Sometimes, I know I’m going into the unknown. I’m just scared.
The fear is less and less now. My anxiety is high. My worry is high again… I’ve done too much. I need to rest.