PTSD.
Getting that diagnoses was like identifying the kind of mess I was in. It meant that I suffered from triggers (44 of them to be exact), and each “trigger” sent me into a time-traveling episode.
I am tired of time-traveling. I think I am officially sick and tired of living in the past and the future.
There are three types of emotions. There are Authentic Emotions. These are your emotions. True and untainted. They are simply messages from your Id communicating to you where a stimulus is on the comfort-discomfort spectrum. “This feels good.” “This feels awkward.” “This is unpleasant.” “This person gives me the creeps.”
These are the purest form of our emotions. They are subtle. They are gentle. They are simple.
The problems arises when Trauma alters your emotions and weaponizes them against you. This makes room for two additional types of emotions: Motivator Emotions and 3rd Party Emotions.
Motivator Emotions are 100% Fear based. They are Emotions that have been magnified to drown out all other emotions, and their sole purpose is to get you to act. To do. They are impulses, urges, and needs. They are the fear-based emotions that motivate you to take action.
Motivator Emotions come from the Fear Center of our brain that get’s stuck in the “on” position. It’s the Trauma part of us that tells us we’re always in danger when we’re not. It tells us to ACT NOW! DO NOW! TAKE ACTION! And there is a feeling that catastrophe will strike if we don’t.
Motivator emotions are 100% fear based and disregulated. The trauma conditioned us to feel these emotions and are late at realizing that the danger has passed, yet we continue to act and respond to them.
3rd Party Emotions are the voices in our head that beat us down, tell us we’re not good enough. They run on repeat too often, telling us what we SHOULD do. They scold us, reprimand us, and tear us down.
These are the voices of our abusers. Guilt and Shame are 100% the emotions behind these voices. They are the “rules” conditioned into us by those we loved and who hurt us the most.
Narcissists are masters at instilling their own conditioned emotions inside of you.
When Trauma and abuse occurs, Motivator Emotions, which are regulated by “The Jerry,” (AKA your Fear Police), take over and partner up with the 3rd Party Emotions (Guilt and Shame). And they drown out YOUR TRUE emotions.
That is where discomfort begins. The Id (Your Identity where the “authentic you” lives), turns up the discomfort. But The Jerry and 3rd Party Emotions continue to drown out the Id.
Your Subconscious becomes a war zone between your Id, the Jerry, and the 3rd Party Opinions cluttering up your mind. And your Jerry takes over.
The Id gets louder. The Jerry motivates you to MOVE! ACT NOW! DO! And the Id turns up the discomfort until you feel pain because it’s being ignored.
Jerry motivates us to grab the bottle, have sex, smoke meth, chase a relationship… And the Id screams. So Jerry urges you to drink more, do more, have more. Avoid the danger.
But the “danger” is the pain of the Id that you cannot escape.