Fuck Humble

This is not an easy topic.

If you struggle with Suicide, please… reach.

If you have never struggled with suicide. Be Silent and Learn.

I have struggled with suicide most of my life. I have attempted it once. I remember my Darkest Days.

I remembered hearing how “selfish” my Aunt thought it was. I remember how much I hated her for that. She had no fucking clue. “It must be nice to be that clueless to pain,” I thought. “To have never suffered this much.”

And then I had people shoving “Humility” and “Humbleness” down my throat. I drowned on Humbleness until there was nothing left of me. I was all the way down, lying in the sewage of rapists (literally) and still they said, “Be humble.” They shoved their religious dogma down my throat until it almost killed me. Forgive and be humble. Over and over. They “humbled” me to death.

No one who has ever battled suicide should ever talk about suicide or Humility. They. Don’t. Know.

But I have. And I found my own way out. Alone.

Then, those Noisy Know Nothings tell you that “You have to do it alone.”

Alone.

So little they know.

98% of what my therapists told me caused me more harm than good.

On my first day of therapy, my therapist said to me, “You should be dead.” She said this out of shock that I was still alive because she had never seen anyone like me before.

But I thought, “What do I do? Should I go home and kill myself then?”

So I will talk to you like I’ve been in your shoes because I have. For me and for 100% of every person who has talked to me about their Suicide experience said the same thing: It’s despair. It’s having no belief that tomorrow can be better… ever. It’s not having any purpose in life. It’s having no belief that anyone can help you. It’s believing deeply that you are so worthless that you are Nothing itself.

It is, truly, hopelessness. And that is it.

It’s being too tired to stand, too tired to go on, too tired to keep pulling yourself through the mud, and believing it will never end.

It’s hearing about being “Humble” and thinking, “HOW MUCH FURTHER DOWN DO I HAVE TO GO JUST TO RISE AGAIN!? AM I NOT DOWN FAR ENOUGH!?”

People don’t know that people under Abuse seek “Being Humble” as an answer to their prayers because “The Meek shall inherit the Earth.” So they humble, and they get beat. And so they humble. And they are raped. So they humble. And they are broken. So they humble.

They Humble until they kill themselves.

I did. I tried. Fuck Humble.

Noisy Know Nothings who think “everyone can do with a dose of humility” because they are so caught up in their own Delusion of the way of the world that they don’t see those struggling with Suicide.

But I see you. I See you so clearly because I was one of you. For so long.

Humble kills people more than guns.

I’m watching “Humble” kill my Partner right now. And I can’t even get to him because he is too “Humble” to think he is worth being loved.

Fuck Humble.

Above, I wrote:

“You have to do it alone.” Alone. So little they know.

The only people who tell you that you have to do it alone are the people who don’t trust or believe in Love or People or…

The people who have no love or People.

Or the people who have never even been down this low: Noisy Know Nothings.

I have known Love.

I have People.

I have been down that low.

You do NOT have to do it alone.

YOU do have to do it. I cannot do it FOR you. But that does not at all mean “Alone.”

Alone means Invisible.

Alone means Unimportant.

Alone means Unseen.

And you are not Unseen. You are not Invisible. You are not Unimportant.

This world doesn’t know a damn thing about Love, Family, or Humbled Humility. And it advices stupidly, blindly, and poorly, those who need the Truth.

The reason why life is hard, is because the people who raised you did not teach you the RIGHT tools to do the “Job of Life” the RIGHT way. So they sent you down the wrong path, with all the wrong tools, while they misinformed you about what life is about, how to live life, and what you need to succeed.

They didn’t lie to you. They were just too stupid and too ignorant themselves to even know how ignorant they were. They pretended to be “Expertise” by assuming a Pedestal of Power called “Authority,” and that is all any of us need to think, “Oh! This person knows what they are talking about! For they stand on the Pedestal of Power and they have Authority!”

And suddenly or slowly your life is shit, you’re lost, people are telling you to chase Humility while you lay down in the mud because all you ever wanted was to be a Good Person who was loved and accepted for who you are. And then those “Authorities” are telling you that you have to do it alone.

But they sent you down a rabbit hole without a map, without provisions, and without any life skills while they advised you on their Pedestal of Power.

This is the Point of View of the Suicide Survivor. The lowest Point in our Society. The Back of the Line where those in front can’t see so far behind them.

Let me tell you what you can see at the back of the line.

You can see everyone and everything as life is without the Delusion, and it is ugly.

It is how I can see you. Because I’ve been you. Here. All the way at the bottom, underneath the Pedestal of Power trusting the Authority held over you. And they told you never to question it.

So first, I’m going to give you a Hope Thread (This is it… right here). I’m going to tell you that those idiots on their Pedestal of Powers are idiots. Too uneducated with Information to even know how uneducated they are, or how bad that information is. And now I’m going to turn you around and point you in the right direction. And I know which way is the right way because I got myself out. And then, after I got out, I went back in, over and over again, on purpose, until I mastered it just so I could get you out of it.

And then, I built The Healing Stones for you.

And now, I’m going to tell you about the first 3 Ethics, because the First 3 Ethics are what will keep you alive. They are what will get you out. They are what you needed to learn before you were 5 years old to stay out of The Darkness.

1. Courage (Self-Safety / Survival)
2. Self-Authority
3. Self-Regulation

I cover these 3 Ethics with you deeply in that Hope Thread I gave you.

And I am going to tell you this.

Rest. Learn to sleep in the mud. I did. You have to rest. You have to sleep because tomorrow you Stand.

And then, some days, you take just one more Step. And some days you sleep in the mud. And some days you just Stand. And some days you take 2 steps back to take 1 RIGHT step forward. I call that “Re-Routing.” And sometimes, that is what you’ve got to do.

But know this.

I climbed my way from where you stand. And now, I’m all the way at the Top, 4 tiers above the Government, and I came back down just to stand here with you to tell you that there are hundreds of us up at the top, building The Healing Engine for you so you can climb out.

You are seen. You are visible. We want you. We know you are ourPeople. We know that you belong with us, and we built you the stepping stones to get you Home to us. But you are not forgotten. You are not lost. We see you.

Now we cannot “do” the standing for you. But also, you don’t have to do it alone either. We are here. We are all here for you. We see you and we know you are somebody.

Here is your Hope Thread (You are in it right now). Fuck Humble. For you, be Arrogant. Take Arrogance all in. I drank my fill of it to get myself out of the gutter. Take it all in. Practice Arrogance as much and as often as you can. And I will congratulate you and cheer you on every step of the way.

Rest now for tomorrow you Stand.

One Day. You Will. I know the way. And I’m teaching every one I know the way, starting with you.

And if you need to, please… reach.

And if you are someone who wants to help build The Healing Engine at the top, DM me. We are all PANDO.